In fact he was allowing drastic things in my life that could have and should have shifted my paradigm. I just don't think I was very receptive. I was too occupied with how much I despised everything including myself and thought the world was the true problem. I was unable to accept the fact that I was worth something inside and failed to believing that I was beautiful. I allowed my loneliness and confusion to rule my heart and had no courage to fight for the truth. What I have come to realize is that I was living a tragedy all along. Why couldn't I have just been inspired by my own life?

Now having gone through an actual tragedy of my own I can say that I truly have been inspired by my own life. This season so far has awoken some sort of courage inside to face life with more faith and less fear than ever. This has been such a painful yet refining process and I know that I have only slightly begun to peel back the layers. I am giddy to procede.

Why was I convinced that a tragedy was the one thing that would make me new? Ironically it did take facing death for me to be able to tune into something meaningful? I don't regret that my life hasn't taken this turn until now, but I do hope that I have learned to be more receptive and seek to know who God is, not seek to know all the answers.

I think this process really began right after Augustine died and everybody kept telling me how strong and amazing I was. I really was encouraged to hear how encouraging I was for many of you. But at the same time I found myself thinking that I was only going to disappoint everyone. This pushed me into a pursuit of truth and humility.

Life is not about making a name for myself or trying to come across a little better than I am. The fact is that we are all failures, we will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean we are worthless. Our worth doesn't come from what we do or what we try to prove. We simply are worth something because we are made in God's image and he loves us. I have been soaking that in for the past couple months and it has had a huge impact on my life! So much so that I decided to shave my head.

Honestly I had tossed this idea around years ago except mostly for shock effect or something unredeemable. But a month or so ago I was driving alone in our car and I started crying hard. Singing your heart out freely is so inspiring! I nearly rushed right home with the ambition to buzz it off. But I didn't. (I tend to get excited about things and then shortly after I will completely change my mind) So I waited. Waited about three weeks untill I thought I was going to burst! Called up my good friend Maddie and asked her to do the honors. It was the best feeling in the world! Freedom. Freedom from the voices in my head, freedom from who I used to be, freedom from guilt, shame and fear of man...I could go on. There are so many things I feel that this represents.

The truth is that I cannot control how others see me. People are always going to perceive me other than I intended. Somebody is not going to understand me. And you know what? I am finally OK with that. My purpose in this life is not to convince others how wonderful or talented or beautiful I think I am, but to act justly, love mercy and to walk humbly before our God. I think the more I live with pleasing God in mind, the more freedom I experience. My hairless head is a constant reminder that I will always be perceived wrong by someone and that I should just give up trying to make everyone understand. Why live all for naught?

And ya know, I feel more beautiful than ever. Hair is such a big part of feeling beautiful and feminine for many people, but somehow I am able to embrace who I truly am. Hair or not. I feel refreshed!!

Maybe you should try it?! (:

Some great quotes from A.W.Tozer's book The Pursuit of God.

"The world will never see me as God does and I have stopped caring."

"Artificiality is a curse that will drop away the moment we kneel at Jesus' feet and surrender ourselves to his meekness. Then we will not care what people think of us so long as God is pleased."

 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
       he LEADS me beside quiet waters,

 3 he RESTORES my soul.
       He GUIDES me in paths of righteousness
       for his name's sake.

 4 Even though I walk
       through the VALLEY of the shadow of death, [a]
       I will FEAR NO evil,
       for you are with me;
       your rod and your staff,
       they COMFORT me.

PSALM 139:8

if I make my bed in the DEPTHS, you are there.

 9 If I RISE on the wings of the dawn,
       if I SETTLE on the far side of the sea,

 10 even there your hand will GUIDE me,
       your right hand will HOLD me fast.

I am feeling more content with my life than ever. That has always been a struggle for me since having children and what a relief it is to be able to enjoy every moment of every day. (ok mostly) These two children overwhelm me with their amazing personalities and hillarious sense of humor. It is a blessing to be their mother! I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined myelf saying something like that ten years ago! but it's true. life is beautiful and thankfully I am not the same as I was ten years ago!

before Justin and i even left our home to head to the hospital, i was joyful and excited. i was going to meet sweet Augustine in just a few hours. we drove up to Tacoma and were in good moods. when the first nurse arrived to check me in our room, she looked at me and tilted her head with a slight frown... "how are you guys doing"? AHHHHHH i wanted to scream! i said something to her along the lines of " please don't go there, we are joyful and excited". but before those words even left my mouth i was overcome with anxiety. the next thing you know the nursery manager was at the door inquiring about what we were wanting them to do for him if he wasn't ok... i told Justin to get her out of here and to tell her whatever he thought best, but i didn't want to know about it. then we waited for what seemed like days to be seen by the doctor. she was running late.  Justin was starving and thought it would be a quick run to the cafeteria while she was on her way up....but it was just minutes after he left when she waltzed in and got right down to business. i started having such anxiety and was extremely frightened when she came at me with some utensils i would rather not ever see again! let me just say this woman was NOT SENSITIVE and let me just say that I AM! she broke my water in an instant but for some reason thought it necessary to keep ramming it into my insides to deepen the pain. it was scary and Justin wasn't by my side to hold my hand. i began having contractions within less than a minute.... now i knew things were going to come fast and there was no turning back.

after giving birth to Valen i swore i would never do that again without an epidural, what if the pain was worse. but this time i was convinced that it couldn't possibly be any worse  than before and thought i would try again.

my midwife who was acting as my doula was so wonderful. she walked us around and gave us a smidgen of peace of mind. but the contractions were coming 1 to 2 minutes apart for a while and getting even more intense with each one. i remember feeling very distant from God and like i was spiraling downward fast. it was so weird. i kept praying to God to be with me and get me through it, but seemed to just go lower and lower. i thought God had left me, i honestly did. i know he says he will never leave us so he must have been there, but let me tell ya, that is the closest i ever want to feeling separation from God!

of course they decide to check me to see how far dilated i was after about a half hour because of the intensity of my pain, but i was only at 6 centimeters. which was definitely discouraging! for the next two hours i experienced the most dreadful pain in the world. imagine having multiple knives stabbed into your back for about a minute and then relax for 30 seconds then repeat. wait no dont imagine! i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy! at one point our midwife suggested she leave Justin and i to ourselves since we were doing ok (i don't know why she thought that i was doing horrible!) so as soon as she walked out i started feeling nauseas and puked all over! she rushed back in and shortly after decided it might be time to push. the doctor had the nerve to suggest checking the dilation again! i am cringing at this moment of reminiscing!  thankfully i was at 10! i tried many positions to push him out but nothing felt comfortable (as if something could feel comfortable at this point) i mostly just buried my head in the pillow nearly suffocating myself during contractions/pushing. the back labor was so intense making it impossible to focus on pushing. i remember hallucinating a bit close to the end. i literally wanted to die. i was praying that i could black out. i honestly didn't know how i was going to finish, it seemed so close but so far at the same time. i eventually touched to feel his head and that gave me the strength to push harder. i pushed a few more times out he popped. and the pain was over. he was huge and slimy and looked totally normal to me. i really didn't know if anything was wrong at first. they threw him on my chest and i snuggled him and smooched him for a couple minutes before i noticed Justin had tears falling down his face. that couldn't be good i thought to myself.... so then when i looked back at Augustine i could tell that he wasn't ok. he breathed a few short breaths and opened his mouth trying to say something to me... it was sweet. then he snuggled up to me and breathed gently for a little longer. no crying or tears, just peace and quiet.

its amazing how just minutes before this calmness was a point where i was ready to die. maybe i was subconsciously trying to trade places with Augustine. pleading with God to take me instead of this precious boy. i would rather lose my life than to watch my own child die. that must have been what my body was petitioning for.

i was reading a book recently about a woman who lost her two toddlers to some disease and a year after lost another baby to the same thing. years later the author of this book ran into her again and was amazed at how strong in the lord she was, even through all that. letting it glorify God even though it was so painful. coming out of it all more beautiful than before....let me tell you i was releasing quite a few tears at that moment! i saw so much of myself in her. she was living my nightmare. i know that whatever God chooses to allow in my life, he will get me through it and never leave me and that someday i will be a beautiful woman of God mature, faithful and strong , but looking down the road it takes to get there is frightening!

a friend reminded me that a year or so ago (before i was pregnant) i said that losing one of my children would be the worst thing i could imagine and that i wouldnt be able to live through it..... i do remember saying that and thought i would need to be put into a psych ward after all this, but i am pushing on because of dahlia and valen. they need me. sometimes i think maybe i should never have had children, it only causes me to worry more. maybe i should have never gotten married.... if i was alone i wouldnt have anyone to fear losing.... but that would be so lonely. ive learned to much from marrying justin and i have had so much joy having these children, it seems to have been worth it all.

i read this verse so many times before and never felt this same way i am feeling now....luke 14: 26"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple"

i want to say i love God more than anything, i want to say that id give up everything for the sake of him...but i have to hang my head in shame and say...i guess im no disciple then. something just wont let me let go.

"dahlia and valens little brother"

i threw a baby shower for her this past weekend and during the shopping for it all i encountered some emotional times. at Target as i was checking out, the cashier asked if i needed a gift receipt. then followed that with, "unless you have had a baby in the past six weeks, which i doubt, then it must be a gift." hmmmmm, i had a split second to decide what i was going to respond with.... I said," actually i did just have a baby". she gasped and said "oh wow i wouldnt have guessed... how old is your baby?" again i had to think quickly if i wanted to make it awkward or emotional for her or myself... so i said, "its complicated..... he would have been six weeks old actually." of course she was shocked and very sad but sweet. i could see all the people in line listening and almost baffled that such a thing happens in real life. these things dont happen to real people, just in movies right? the cashier and i kept chatting about things casually and as i left she looked into my eyes and said genuinely "you're a doll, you are such a doll". i really appreciated her words. she was gentle and true and i didnt know her at all. but something about tragedy brings humankind together. as i was walking out to my car tears were forming in my eyes, i couldnt ignore the words "he would have been six weeks". what a sad thought. to think i could be holding my sweet augustine and listening to him cry and breathe.... but what a happy thought at the same time he is the happiest he could possibly be. growing and learning and safe and sound...... that makes me happy too.

so as we are praying about what to do for long term birth control I am also saddened. the idea that having another child is not an option hurts. there is a 25% chance that our future children will have this same condition, justin and i both dont feel like taking that chance. are two children the most we should have? is life going to be better this way? will God use us more effectively with a small family? would i be even more of a scatterbrained fruitcake with more children to take care of (: it hurts that the decision is out of our hands, but i know it must be for the best. someday maybe we will adopt a young girl who was saved from the sex trade lifestyle, that would be amazing to be a part of. there are so many children out there already in this world who need loving families, it is a shame to ignore that option. we will be praying about this all earnestly.

i threw a baby shower for her this past weekend and during the shopping for it all i encountered some emotional times. at Target as i was checking out, the cashier asked if i needed a gift receipt. then followed that with, "unless you have had a baby in the past six weeks, which i doubt, then it must be a gift." hmmmmm, i had a split second to decide what i was going to respond with.... I said," actually i did just have a baby". she gasped and said "oh wow i wouldnt have guessed... how old is your baby?" again i had to think quickly if i wanted to make it awkward or emotional for her or myself... so i said, "its complicated..... he would have been six weeks old actually." of course she was shocked and very sad but sweet. i could see all the people in line listening and almost baffled that such a thing happens in real life. these things dont happen to real people, just in movies right? the cashier and i kept chatting about things casually and as i left she looked into my eyes and said genuinely "you're a doll, you are such a doll". i really appreciated her words. she was gentle and true and i didnt know her at all. but something about tragedy brings humankind together. as i was walking out to my car tears were forming in my eyes, i couldnt ignore the words "he would have been six weeks". what a sad thought. to think i could be holding my sweet augustine and listening to him cry and breathe.... but what a happy thought at the same time he is the happiest he could possibly be. growing and learning and safe and sound...... that makes me happy too.

so as we are praying about what to do for long term birth control I am also saddened. the idea that having another child is not an option hurts. there is a 25% chance that our future children will have this same condition, justin and i both dont feel like taking that chance. are two children the most we should have? is life going to be better this way? will God use us more effectively with a small family? would i be even more of a scatterbrained fruitcake with more children to take care of (: it hurts that the decision is out of our hands, but i know it must be for the best. someday maybe we will adopt a young girl who was saved from the sex trade lifestyle, that would be amazing to be a part of. there are so many children out there already in this world who need loving families, it is a shame to ignore that option. we will be praying about this all earnestly.

into my arms they placed you so i could love your life,

i will treasure every breath you breathed with me that night.

there was so much purpose in the short time you were allowed

you brought me joy, you brought me peace, in those moments somehow.

but my heart was slowly breaking to watch you while you slept,

i knew that time was ending and you would not wake up.

things were rather peaceful as we saw the setting sun,

fading into the night just as you had gone.

although the tears were dripping as we laid you down to sleep,

we loved you and knew the lord your soul will keep.

620 Franklin Street SE, Olympia WA 98501

Anyone and everyone is welcome to join us. We look forward to celebrating his life with you all. Childcare will be provide for children under 6.

Dahlia decided to add to the excitement of this week by falling off a chair on Tuesday night and breaking her clavicle (not to be confused with clavichord). It hurt her a lot at the time but after a rough first night she's doing a lot better. The doctor said it's the most common bone to break and it's the easiest to deal with. She just has to wear a sling for a week or so while the bone reconnects and then she just has to take it easy for a few more weeks after that. She didn't have to have it set or anything, it will just grow back together in time.

The nurses brought him straight to my chest and never took him away from us. Justin and I were able to hold him and love him for a few hours. it was hard, but the whole experience was so lovely. There was the most beautiful sunset out our 14th story hospital room window while we were saying goodbye to him, it made things that much more peaceful. After three hours of being with him, we thought it was time to let him go. I didn't know how that was possible but somehow it was easier than I thought it would be. Two nurses came in and weighed him and took his footprints and handprints and dressed him up and took pictures of him... it was a nice transition time. after all that it seemed easier to let go. He just wasn't there anymore, it was just a body, his soul was in heaven. We gave him one last kiss and sent him away.

It might sound crazy, but we really were blessed by how everything happened. we are thankful to have had any time with him at all and thankful he didn't have to suffer. He simply went to sleep in my arms. What more could I ask for. Justin and I appreciate very much all the thoughts and prayers and messages we have received, we feel very loved and couldn't do this without you all supporting us. We are doing well considering. Dahlia and Valen are doing well too. Valen has no idea what is going on (he still thinks he can feel the baby kicking) and Dahlia seems to not be upset by it, just a little confused. We are looking forward to loving the two we still have here with us and seeing Augustine again someday in heaven.

No doubt God was and is holding us through this all, there is no way I could have had any strength on my own. I know there will be many hard days ahead, but as long as I can walk it with the Lord I will be OK.

our kitchen is great! the floor is vinyl and i am so glad it isnt tile. i have dropped several dishes which have all bounced around instead of smashing into bits... including valens head!!

this room is the second living space and we use it for a play room. also having a tv and sofa in there makes it more versatile. it is really nice to be able to keep all their play things in one room, especially since there bedroom is upstairs.

i am hoping to tackle the paint job in our bedroom this saturday morning if our boy doesnt come before then. i am going to do one accent wall. they didnt say it was ok to paint different colors, but if we paint it back it should be fine. very excited for some color!!

our home is mostly in shape, except for our bedroom. which is really a bummer. i hate being in there with all the clutter and lavender walls! we need to paint but i dont think that is going to happen any time soon unfortunately. maybe someone should submit my story to hgtv and get our room a makeover! (:

anyways, we are ready and will see a baby soon!

we will keep you posted!

but our living situation is a bit different than before. we have chosen to live with another couple that we know. they have been married about a year and have no children. we all had been thinking about this idea for a while and happened to mention to each other a few months ago.

justin and i have been tossing around this idea about living in community with other people for a while. the goal of it isn't to save money (but we hope to) and it's not to have fun (but we hope to), the main goal is to grow and learn about ourselves and help each other love God more and share things in love. we've talked to a few friends who have done things like this and they all agreed that it was difficult at times but very worthwhile. we haven't committed to an end date yet, but it will be at least six months. the layout of the house is really perfect for this type of living situation so that helps a lot.

some people think we are absolutely nuts, but that is ok... get used to that. (: we all felt confirmation about this and still do. there really was a lot of thought and prayer put into this. furthermore, katie and andrew love our kids and they really like them in return. this situation wouldnt just work with anyone. we are excited we have found this couple to journey with us right now. they are great! further furthermore, when you throw yourself into a situation and say "Lord change me" he certainly will. there is a lot happening in our lives right now, and for that reason i was a bit hesitant at times, but God has given me peace about it, so that is amazing in itself. i tend to be a worrier and cannot make decisions fast at all.... gotta think about whatever it is for a long long time before plunging.

the funny thing was, we were not finding a house for rent that would really work for us. we almost took a place that was in a clone village and just terrible, and it came to the day we needed to give our notice or not move at all.... we all decided to give our notices even though we didnt find anything. the next day, we found this house in the paper and thought it was too good to be true. looked at it the next day and signed up! it was the exact layout we were looking for.

the house isnt completely organized yet, but will be soon. we cannot find our camera cord to put pictures onto our computer... when i do i will post them!! sorry about that! posts without pictures are boring i know (:

here is the entire song....

Blessed be your name

In the land that is plentiful

Where the streams of abundance flow

Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,

I turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's all as it should be

Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be your name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, Blessed be your name

so at our appointment yesterday in seattle we mentioned to the doctor our thoughts and she agreed that should be fine as long as the hospital here is fine with our situation also. so i am talking to my former midwife who knows of a good doctor here that would take me. we are transfering our care to the midwife but also having the other doctor there at the birth that she thinks is awesome. I am SO relieved that we will be working with her and in our own town! two more months to go!

A friend of a friend came and prayed for us recently. She believes that she has recently been given the gift of healing and i was on her heart. ever since that moment i have had a different faith that before. more sure of the fact we will see a beautiful healthy child someday soon! please continue to pray with us for a miracle, This boy has a place in our lives and we are fighting for him!

i enjoy every day that he talks to me and moves around in my womb, it is so wonderful. i can already snuggle him as well as dahlia and valen! they both pray everyday and not even because i ask them, just randomly will come and touch my belly and hug and smooch it and then pray for him, too precious! dahla is very excited to see him and show him her room (:

so we spent the day in the ER. after checking all my symptoms and such the doctor said he thought it might be a blood clot in the lungs... suggesting a test to be done which many times gives false posetives. if it was that then it would be a serious situation. so i responded with "couldnt it just be pneumonia"? oh yes he said, we could start with an x-ray if you want.... hmm interesting that i had to suggest what was wrong with me.... so after the x-ray sure enough that is what he concluded. so the nurse came in a drew just about all my blood i think (: which actually was the most comfortable blood draw i have ever had and i didnt even get queezy! and hooked me up to an IV of medication. I asked the doctors and even the nurses if they thought zantac had anything to do with my troubles... they said no. but i am not convinced. that is an awfully BIG coincidence if you ask me (:

ANYWAYS. also in the past week i have been having a lot of contractions. lasting several hours at a time and not going away for nothing. but then eventually late in the evening slowing down and then stopping. i cant help but think this is all related. i also have been a bit stressed the last two weeks... quite a few things on my mind (doctor bills, possbily moving into a new house, and a few other things) thankfully dahlia and valen are old enough to understand when we say "mommy is sick" and they leave me alone and play together so well! i even took a nap on the couch yesterday and they didnt bother me! they are too sweet!

in conclusion i have stopped taking ZANTAC just in case, and have just been sleeping upright in a lazyboy (which has been very comfortable actually) and taking tums as needed. dont worry i have been in touch with the nurse daily and she said if i have more than 6 contractions in an hour to take 600 mg ibuprofin and if i have to do that twice in one day to come and see them. oh and also to get lots of rest and take it easy... ok ok ! i swear i havent been doing too much! dont worry i havent been touching the dishes or the laundry or scrubbing the shower... ok just kidding, but i am taking it easy i promise!

I am very much a "trial and error" person. in many areas of my life actually. but especially cooking. if i dont think an ingredient needs to be in somewhere, i will simply delete it and pay the consequences of experimentation afterwards.... or sometimes reap delicious benefits. i am getting better at substituting honey for sugar and not making it into soup. oh and if you dont know about whole wheat pastry flour yet, you must try it! i bake entirely with it now and everything turns out great. regular whole wheat flour makes things very dense and most people are not interested in them, but the pastry flour makes it a bit lighter and easier to handle if you arent used to whole wheat. i guess i feel like if i can make something yummy that is healthy then why would i make it full of junk? and my kids love everything i make, even justin enjoys them! i hear no complaints! i am very thankful for that!

I found this great site and one of her recipes for lemon bars is awesome! she uses nuts and coconut oil instead of butter and white flour and the lemon curd is made with honey. i made them a few days ago (nearly burnt them) and after refrigerating them for 24 hours, they were fabulous! so much more substance to them than regular lemon bars, almost an energy snack. i highly recommend them!

i met with a friend of a friend yesterday who had gone through the same thing years ago. she was such a neat lady and i really thought it was helpful to talk with her. hearing her story and how she dealt with it all was encouraging and good to talk about.

justin and i are doing well. its been over a month and we have been able to process it all well i think. dealing with many emotions, but feel somewhat stable right now. enjoying life and looking forward to the future.

so since my last update, things have been better. thank you all so much for your prayers, God is listening and we are feeling it very much! life is even sweeter since we have our amazing special dahlia and valen keeping us busy! they are so sweet and fill us with so much joy. i did tell dahlia this week that something might be wrong with the baby inside. she asked lots of questions and is now praying for him everyday... along with lots of hugs and kisses to my belly. and valen also is into snuggling my belly now too, just randomly he will come lift up my shirt and smooch and hug gently, so precious.

we met with one of the doctors at the swedish medical center and felt really comfortable with them there. we are transfering our care from our awesome midwife to the seattle office because of our situation, but she may still be available to be at the birth. she is really awesome and we both really trust her and feel comfortable with her.

our next ultrasound is in two weeks and hopefully we will see some progress with his growth. i would like to clarify the proper term for his condition. he is not just a dwarf, he has short rib polydactyly. the lungs is the main concern with this syndrome. that is why it is a lethal condition. most babies with this problem cant live outside the womb because they cant breath on their own.

i hope summer comes soon to brighten our days even more, i am so done with this rain and cold!!!!!

we stayed with justins boss and family for two nights, which was lovely. they have four year old girl and a boy that is two weeks younger than valen. they were adorable! such great people! we had a little play date with one other wife from the crew and she was great too! thursday night we went to a employee dinner and i met most of the people in the company. they sang happy birthday to me and brought me some cake (:

normally this type of thing would be fine, but i was tired from missing out on sleep with puking kids and then the traveling i guess...and the emotions from the news about our baby... it seemed a little harder than normal for me to engage with others. friday afternoon i met a friend for lunch that i had known when i lived in california in 2003. it was really nice to catch up with her too! and then picked up justin from work. we went to our hotel and had a nice evening downtown. BUT in the middle of the night i felt very nauseas and couldnt sleep. i became sick, but i think it was something that i had eaten. so all day saturday i was worthless and could barely move... watched a lot of HGTV in the hotel (: by about 7pm i felt so much better and was able to enjoy a movie with justin and slept really well!! sunday we met up with some friends from yuma. they came to visit us and we played on the beach with their sweet kids. it was wonderful to see aaron and venessa! we havent seen them for about three years. venessa and justin were really good friends in college. they are like family!

we got home around 11pm and dahlia was sleeping on the couch. i came over to her and snuggled her and smooched her sweet face. she was even more beautiful than when i left her! she still wasnt feeling herself, so she slept with us. the next morning we saw valen and it was so great. they had no hard feelings that we left them for almost a week, they just went right back to their regular selves... i just cant get enough of them!

but it feels right, its a relief.

im not losing my hope

just feeling the pain that comes and goes with reality.

even in my weeping i feel strong

life will go on, my faith will carry me along.

some moments are overwhelmingly painful

while some are full of joy.

to love and to have lost is better than not loving at all,

so i am told.

but im afraid to love.

im afraid to grip this life

only to say goodbye.

but what a relief for this perfect child

to miss so much pain on this fallen world

what more could i hope for than for him to be free?

it seems selfish to keep him here with us.

what would he wish for?

what would his dreams be?

thank you for all your comments and emails, they have been so encouraging!

wednesday at our follow up appointment we watched and waited as they looked at every possible part of the baby. from what i could tell things looked the same... but we werent sure if there were more things wrong until the specialist came in to review the results with us. she measured the lungs and heart several times again and justin and i both looked at each other and knew something else had to be wrong. she said that he has a rare condition called skeletal dysplasia polydacty. the survival rate is very low and even if they survive it wouldnt be for very long.

i had never seen justin cry before , it was very hard for us both to hear this.

we are doing fine at the moment but have no idea how life will look like from now on. knowing this and being pregnant for several more months is going to be challenging. of course we are hoping and praying for a miracle but also trying not to get too attatched. we know that whatever happens God will be our strength and bring us out of it stronger and wiser and better people because of it. it certainly isnt going to be easy, but life will go on.

we certainly want to engage in normal every day life things and friendships and keep moving forward. if you see us please dont avoid us or keep a despair face for our benefit. we are experiencing many emotions and one of them amazingly enough is joy. so being your normal selves would be best!

we thank God all the more for our perfect amazing beautiful boy and girl he has given us and couldnt ask for more. our life feels full but empty at the same time.

please keep us in your prayers, we need the support of everyone around us.

feel free to leave a comment or an email, but we understand if you dont know what to say.

now we are going to start seriously figuring out some cool names. i had a great one picked out for a girl but not for a boy. boys tend to be a little harder i think. sorry dad, i dont think we are going to go with donald! (:

i guess the reason it gets to me is because they spend A LOT of money for one family to have this amazing perfect extravagant home. is that really necessary? do the children need their rooms filled with the coolest things money could buy 

for instance... we have been using this sofa since the beginning of our marriage. i recovered the pillows that came with it, but one of them is getting all smooshy and there is not enough support. the sofa cover keeps coming off and it is extremely pilled. furthermore the sofa covers dont fit right because it is an oversized love seat but not quite a sofa, so the covers just look goofy. i also dont like that it is so deep, i cant touch the floor while sitting on it and i wish that the back was a part of the couch and not cushions. so we have debated if we should get this cute couch from IKEA for 250 bucks to replace this one...... BUT is it really worth 250 bucks? gosh thats a lot of money, there are so many things that we could do with 250 bucks! for instance pay for some maternity bills... buy nearly a months worth of groceries... help pay for our much needed vacation... when i think of all the things that we really need, my annoying couch seems not so annoying. so my solution is... cover the seat cushions with a sheet that no longer fits our bed and make one new pillow for the back of the sofa.... problem solved... price = 5.00.

one more example... we had a large bed given to us in the beginning of our marriage and ended up giving it away since it was just obnoxious! so we have been sleeping on just a mattress (not just any mattress, an extremely comfortable one) for a couple years and have been totally fine. sure a four poster bed would look so adorable and be nice to have just for cuteness sake... but is that enough reason to fork out money we dont have, just because it seems like something most people have. im not saying you shouldnt have a bed, but for me our mattress is doing what it needs to for us and the only reason i could see myself spending money on a bed is if we had loads of extra moola sitting around... even then... i dont know! (: ....so what i thought of doing is draping some fabric around the ceiling to create the look of a four poster bed, but i know for certain that valen would yank it down at the first chance he got, so maybe a in a couple years. for now i think i will cover a piece of plywood with some fabric i have and screw it to the wall for a look of a headboard... problem solved... price = less than ten bucks or so.

in regards to my belly size... it is just how it should be for how far along i am, so for everyone who thinks i am tiny, now you know i am not. and i have definitely felt the baby move a lot! everyday all throughout the day. i love it! he/she is only about 4 inches from their butt to the top of the head...and barely weighs anything, but so much of it is formed and in position, it really is amazing. i have this great pregnancy journal i have kept for each pregnancy. it describes what is going on everyday and tips and advice for being pregnant. thanks to gil and kirstin, it has been so great!

we will be finding out the gender april 17th. i had a midwife appointment this last week and we scheduled it then. justin and i havent done too much thinking about names yet, we want to wait till we know the gender before we waste too much time on it, or get attatched to one idea or another. we both are fine with a boy or a girl.... there are just as many pros and cons to having either one as a third, so whatever it is we will be thrilled! and we will happily share our ideas for names in the near future. 

and my belly isnt growing that much ): i know it will soon enough, but no one thinks i look pregnant even when i try to show it off... people just laugh at me. seriously! i love having the pregnant belly and i love feeling the baby move all around. i swear i have felt little flutters here and there already. i read that usually doesnt happen till about 20 weeks but i dont believe it. and it wasnt gas either, i have plenty of that and this wasnt gas! (: 

and i am SO ANXIOUS to know what the gender is.... a friend of ours gave us a gender prediction test and i took it and the results were BOY. the test supposedly is 90% accurate but i am not betting any money on it till we see the ultrasound. i think the test is testing for increased levels of testosterone in your urine. it seems if this is a reliable way to find out that more people would know about it. i should ask my midwife. we wont have an ultrasound till mid april i think.... so far away!!!

we found this home on tumwater hill, one of the areas we are considering buying a home. if it was fixed up, this would be my dream home. so much potential, but costs a lot to do it all. 
things i love.....

the porch!! 

the layout

four bedrooms plus office

old kitchen with black and white tile floor

tons of character

next to a park

things i dont like....

funky walls that need to be redone

ceiling full of asbestos that needs to be torn out

one small bathroom

garage needs to be burned down

not fully fenced

i wouldnt put anything in the oven that i wish to consume

needs a lot of cleaning 

next to a park

shekinah and i headed out to portland saturday afternoon and hit up a few shops that we love... chatted over coffee.... grabbed some dinner... shopped some more.... then went to trader joes before heading home(= my favorite! we had the best time! i have known her her entire life, our moms were friends before we were born. it was so refreshing to be around her. especially because i still feel new to olympia and we are still getting to know people here, it was nice to be with someone who knows me so well and we have that history together! i dont like living so far from her, or my siblings for that matter, but it is just really best for us at this point to be here, i really think that and so does justin. anyways, i had a great time this weekend, and enjoyed seeing my nieces lillian and kloee and nephew jonas, they are so special to me and i love them very much! i miss them! kloee is about 10 months and i havent seen her since august.... such a great age right now, just so content and smiley... oh she is adorable! shereally liked me (:

also we went over what i have been eating, and i knew before she even said anything what i should be doing differently, but it is so hard in this trimester, which is almost over!!! spinach makes me want to puke and i can only handle a small portion of salad if any at all.... it ends up going bad in our fridge so i just havent been buying any since becoming pregnant. and im not getting enough whole grains. i probably only eat 4 servings a day, and i want more than that but it seems so hard. you would probably think that carbs would be the easiest thing to get down right now, but not so. she suggested eating more brown rice and quinoa, which i have in the cupboard but never feel like making. but i did tonight, gosh its so easy... it just seems like a lot of work, but it wasnt at all! and i thoroughly enjoyed my meal unlike most nights!  and breakfast she suggested eating something with more protein, but again, eating anything in the morning is near torture..... soon oh very soon i should be back to normal! well close to normal!! 

seriously, i dont think anyone but my family can really understand how opposite this is from who i was 10 years ago! its exciting to see how much i have changed and the better perspective on life i now have. i just feel so overwhlemed lately with joy and thankfulness, i just had to share!

when i was pregnant with dahlia i went with a random doctor i chose which turned out to be not a good fit. super quick appointments and i didnt feel understood or listened to at all. one of the midwives on her staff ended up delivering dahlia and i was grateful for that, but overall i didnt like the experience with going with a doctor. 

When i became pregnant with valen we had moved to vancouver so i needed to find a different doctor than before. i heard of a great midwifery from a few different friends and checked it out. they were so fabulous.  everyone in the office was so kind and you really felt they cared about your experience and what you wanted personally. i really enjoiyed going with them. 

but this midwfie is even more what i would have wanted. her office is in her home and this is her passion. she loves helping women having an enjoyable experience all through the process.  not that other people dont have that same idea, but this midwife seems to be an amazing woman and we are both glad to have found her. i think i am more nervous this time around than with my other two pregnancies, but at the same, feel more prepared and in better hands!

we did not get to hear the heartbeat today. we tried to find it, but she said until about 12 weeks it is hard to hear. i was bummed about that, but oh well, we will hear it soon!

these are my second and third attempts at making dolls. the second one(red head) turned out great, but the other one i had a little trouble with. i followed the video tutorial for making the first two, but when i came to the third doll, i ended up making a few adjustments, which i will do next time, but i am stuck right now and really want to finish her! she is for my niece lillian! it was supposed to be a christmas present, but then i didnt get it done by christmas and then the next week i found out i was pregnant and nothing has gotten done since then! the fabric i used for the dress is too flimsy and doesnt hold shape, which is my big problem. i do not want to make an entire new doll , and have already ripped it out several places and it has been re-sewn. but i am just not happy with the dress, but dont know how to save the rest of it. oh and one other problem... the faces. i am nervous to try to paint a face on either one of them. i bought a tiny paint brush and painted a sample piece of fabric to see how it would turn out and it wasnt easy. i thought about painting it before i had sewn it all together, but what if i didnt sew the head straight, she would have a crooked face.... i guess a crooked face is better than no face at all.

the red headed doll dahlia named rosie. after micaiahs sister of course. which is fine, but i think scarlet is better. i had her sitting up on the counter for a while and would let dahlia play with her when valen was sleeping, but one day valen got really excited about her so i let him hold her..... she is his favorite! he loves to snuggle her and for the reason she is a bit mangled. these dolls are definitely not for babies! 

i do admit that one of my thoughts right now is what if i am having twins? i am sure the chances are very slim, but there is still that slight chance and it would be kind of cool, but then again AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (: goodness gracious! it seems that multiples are so popular now a days, but i think it is from more people using artificial insemination and or women having children later in life, which increases the risk of twins. i am not even thirty yet (will be this may) so that isnt very old and i certainly wasnt artificially inseminated! for some reason though i feel like i was told a while back that there was twins somewhere in our family...like my grandmas siblings or something..... maybe that is where i am getting this idea. either way, we will not find out till probably mid april )= so far away. 

i called a few days ago to make sure there wasnt some sort of waiting period for pregnancy. for some reason i thought they wouldnt cover big stuff like this unless you had been with them for some time. thankfully that it is not the case. after we meet our deductible, which is 3000 bucks, then they will cover 80% . which is a heck of a lot better than the entire amount. BUT if i was not pregnant i think we would cancel our health insurance, such a rip off!!!

i called a midwife today, whom i had a recommendation for from a friend. we are scheduled for our first appointment next monday. i am so excited about the heartbeat!! the midwife sounded so great on the phone, i felt really good about her, but we shall see how it goes.

the more i think about my previous births, the more i realize how i was very blessed with quick labors and the pushing time was less than twenty minutes for both valen and dahlia. even though that back labor was unbearable, it was only one hour of it! i am really counting my blessings today!

1 15 oz can of black beans

1 15 ounce can crushed tomatoes pureed

1 small onion chopped and pureed

2 cloves of garlic finely minced

2 tbsp chili powder

and some left over shredded chicken

i just threw it all in a pot for 20 minutes to simmer! adding cilantro would have made it even better, but i did not have any. the reason i pureed the onion and tomatoes is simply because neither justin nor i like tomatoes or onions chunky in chili. but the flavor is still there from the onion making it so good.

dahlia and valen didnt want anything to do with it. that is one of the hard things with meals around here. sometimes i dont want what they are having or vise versa, so most of the time i end up making two or three different things. 

i really dont care for most crock pot meals or casseroles and that is a shame since they would be so easy to do, i guess i make it harder on myself than it needs to be!

tonight i really wanted to go to taco bell. a homemade burrito sounded just so gross to me, but taco bell sounded lovely. BUT i am too lazy now a days also, so i didnt go. i ended up making pancakes with ground almonds and blueberries, they were stupendous!

i wrote last year about a great pancake recipe but this one is a bit different. 

2/3 cup whole wheat flour

1/3 cup all purpose flour

2 tsp baking powder

1 egg

1 cup of milk

 topped with ground almonds, blueberries and real maple syrup.

 i found that using a lot of baking powder makes them seem more like white fluffy pancakes, if you arent used to whole wheat flour this makes them easier to handle. but honestly i prefer whole wheat flour, much more filling.

this didnt satisfy the taco bell craving... maybe tomorrow night.

when we first moved here i found out quickly that there was no trader joes or wild oats... and no buffalo exchange. there actually isnt really many great places to shop in olympia at all for anything really. the only thing so far that i like is World Market and there are a few local antique shops that are groovy.

today i headed up to tacoma with a friend to hit up their trader joes there. while i was checking out i mentioned to the cashier that we were from olympia, she followed that up with, oh we are bringing one there this year!! hooray hooray! so overjoyed about this! i think i stocked up enough to last me till the summer so we should be fine till they open it(= 

isnt trader joes the best!!?

this is how our christmas started.. going nowhere. we were stuck within 5 seconds of attempting to leave our driveway. justin and the neighbor lady shoveled for a while, but then she needed to leave. so as she was trying to leave our neighborhood, she got stuck. so justin spend 30 minutes or so shoveling her out. then came back to our car and it was dead. went to the neighbors house for a jump and then tried again to get moving. eventually got it into the street and put one chain on. then four other neighbors came with shovels and their muscles, and got us to the next road which looked a little better. except for the fact it is a steep hill. so once the coast was clear, justin stepped on it and we went flying through the snow and slush.... stopping for nothing! i am sure we would have gotten stuck again if we would have stopped. there was over a foot of slush and ice. thankfully after that street everything was clear. it took two hours! it is a good thing we started early!! honestly it was a fun adventure.

this is dahlia and her cousin warner making cookies(= dahlia made a lot of cookies this week and shared them all with everyone! she loves to pretend!

valen loves wearing shoes, not so much clothing though (=

 these are a few of his favorite things! doesnt leave home without them!

  this is dahlias new dress from auntie megan who lives in korea. it is so adorable on her, very thick and cozy!

 backyard of justins parents house. was a little foggy out.

christmas day was a lot of fun and it was great to see the kids play with their cousins! that night we stayed over night at his parents so that we wouldnt get stuck again. valen woke up at 11pm and was freaking out till about 2am then i had to sing him songs with the light on while laying with me in the bed... till about 4am. so sweet and i really enjoyed snuggling him, but i was so tired!! 

i didnt get any pictures of us all at the table. i wished i would have. jasons parents are so friendly and made us feel right at home. and their daughter rebekah too! 

this is my sister and i, do you think we look alike? i just dont see it!

later that night justin and i were talking about how thankful we are with our life. just looking back since we first got married and were making 600 bucks a month and then got pregnant and i couldnt work. then moving into a house we really couldnt afford, but believing that justin would be getting a better job soon.... and he did! and i could go on... but just how we have always had just what we needed. never more than that. and that is how we like it. we dont scrape by, but we dont make loads of cash to waste on "things". we are also so very thankful for our amazing children who bring us so much joy and laughter. some days in the past we have thought, "oh if we didnt have kids we could do this or that" but truth is we wouldnt trade them for a million days without them! it is truly remarkable how they change our life! we are also thankful for our marriage and how it has gotten stronger over the years. things just keep getting better and we are more in love than ever. which brings me to another wonderful thought... we just found this beautiful bed and breakfast not too far from here on the water, that we are hoping to stay in next weekend for our anniversary! 4 years! seems like we have been together so much longer that that. but i think it is because we have done so much in those few years.... lived in four different houses so far and had a couple kids....

anyways, life is beautiful and we are thankful for so much!

we got a coupon in the mail for sears. a whole package was 4.99 no sitting fee or anything. so we made an appointment. we were hoping that many of the shots would look good and we would order a couple or so for extra money, but when we got in there, dahlia started crying right away. so we let valen run around and got a few shots of him in between the "running around". dahlia warmed up a bit, but we still didnt get that many good shots. we came for a family photo, so that is all that we ended up ordering. we have two days to decide if we want to order anything else, but i think we will just do some at home of the kids. 

here is the link if you want to see them all.

justin has a plethera of retro clothing that he has collected over the years. i think they are awesome and glad he is wearing them more!

this is my father in law. him and my mother in law came over for dinner tonight to bring us pizza since our oven is broken... he wore his best suit and tie!(=

i dont sleep well at night so i am confused how i have any energy at all. if i sit too long i get tired but if i keep going there is no stopping me! its like someone has been giving me speed unbeknownst to me... im not complaining though, it is really great! usually this time of year i get a little bummed and dont want to do anything, but so far so good this time! it is probably due to the fact that the last 3 or 4 years have been so busy with pregnancy and birthing that my body is finally back to its original state (better than) and it feels good!!i feel like i am completely away from the postpartum blues business, hooray!

but for some reason i dont have the energy to clean the shower(=

i used to be so self conscious about my nose in high school, i felt that is was so huge and it made me ugly... but after high school i remember not really thinking that anymore... but it was so silly. there are many different shapes and sizes of noses on everyone. there are beautiful people with large noses and beautiful people with small noses, neither one is the right one and i think society is finally appreciating the different types of faces out there and not insisting we all be this perfect look that "they"decided is pretty... i have grown to love my face and like that God made me unique and that he is beautifying me more on the inside every day, which is where it counts anyhow.

well i never have taken the Meyers Briggs test so i took it today, it was so right on. i know some people hate these things, but if you read about my personality, i think it makes sense that i do like them (= this description is good but missing a few things which i dont think it would have picked up on from the questions. or maybe there is a little part of me that doesnt fit in a box... 

the website is www.kisa.ca/personality if you do take it let me know what letters you are!

my combination was ENFP 

Curious, energetic, adaptable, and creative. Conversations with ENFPs can be very circular as they excitedly move from one topic to the next, making connections and associations. Unconventional and occasionally irreverent, they pride themselves on their uniqueness and originality.  ENFPs see significance in all things and prefer to keep lots of options open.

ENFPs Tend To Be:

• Creative, resourceful & naturally curious
• Highly diplomatic consensus builders
• Perceptive about people; great collaborators
• Enthusiastic & inspiring communicators
• Able to "think outside the box" & see possibilities

ENFPs get bored rather easily and are not naturally good at following things through to completion. Accordingly, they should avoid jobs which require performing a lot of detailed, routine-oriented tasks. They will do best in professions which allow them to creatively generate new ideas and deal closely with people. They will not be happy in positions which are confining and regimented.

this blue part is from the same test but a different description...totally me!!!

for the first time in my adult life i feel like i am more myself than anything. dealing with root issues of things in my past has helped. slowly changing habits or character traits that were a result of certain situations and people along the way has been refreshing as well. i think being in a new city and having a fresh start has been very good for me. not feeling the pressure and the expectations or the assumptions of others who have known me a long time expecting me to be a certain way and not letting me out of the box i had been put in long ago. i dont feel that weight like i did before and the confusion of who am i compared to who do others already think me to be.... does that make sense?

ok this next link is an extended version of this personality...it is so crazy how much this describes me in many different areas... if you care to read it. http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html

one of the things justin is a part of this week is introducing people to the idea of "advent conspiracy". maybe you havent heard of it... basically it is an organiization who challenges other christians to be more relational with giving and not be such consumerists especially at christmas time.  it sounds totally ludicrous to me that people go into debt during christmas time and that people keep doing it over and over again... i know the high that comes from buying things and i have had to turn my back on my old ways of throwing away money, but why do we want to give a gift to someone who is probably going to return it anyways, or be disappointed and never use or wear it. it just seems silly to waste money when that hard earned money could be doing so much more.

i dont understand consumerism... furthermore, i dont understand christian consumerism. christmastime gets so nutty i dont even like going out of the house in the month of december... might get killed by consumerists! everyone is in such a hurry and trying to buy buy buy and people dont seem to care about anyone else in that moment.and ironically it is about loving others...

maybe this comes easier for me than some since i grew up with not much and we didnt get very many chhristmas gifts each year. but as i have grown up into my twenties each holiday it wasnt about the gifts or how many i got, i just enjoyed being with my family and hanging out.  i understand wanting to give something to someone you love, but at what expense? 

i will post a picture of the whole room once it is complete. 

it was fun to get some new art done. i have been wanting to do more drawing since last october.... better late than never.

justin and i dont know when we can buy a house, hopefully before next summer. so we have been just looking here and there online at houses in olympia to see prices and neighborhoods and get an idea of what we dont want and what we do. i know that my ideal house probably isnt going to happen and we will have to compromise some things, but i am still listing all my desires and we will go from there.

this house is a little further from downtown than we would like, but is really cute VINTAGE HOME and almost exactly what i was picturing. there are a few problems though. the neighborhood is ok, but then right behind this house is a dumpy house and a HUGE dog! no thank you. there is no fence and barely any grass in back. puting down more grass would be doable, but building a fence... hmmm and then there is only one bathroom. i would be willing to do with only one, but i do have a huge love for large tubs and have been dreaming of the day i can take a relaxing bath after the kids go to bed. so potentially if the bathroom is large enough we could add it ourselves BUT this bathroom is tiny! no dishwasher either.

i love are the archetecture and character of it. very bright and open inside and a finished basement which we could use for justins office, slash pool room.... if we have a pool table(= or at least hang out with friends after hours and not be as worried about the kids hearing us. also it has three other bedrooms besides this, so the space is great.  i love the hardwoods also! i guess seeing this house gives me hope we can find something we will like or close to it, but then is discouraging since they are asking 237,500 and it isnt in a very good area and it has no fence??and only one small bathroom. i think it is priced a bit high, but what do i know? but it is fun to look and dream(=

this shirt i made for dahlia out of a skirt that i bought literally 10 years ago at the good will. i never used it and yes i kept it all this time, just in case. i liked the patch work on it. the back of the shirt is what used to be the back of the skirt, so conveniently there is a button and zipper in the perfect spot. i hemmed the bottom and made some straps... 

i got really excited about making purses and bags this summer, but then ran out of the gusto for it since i have no space to work. but i managed to make a few. i gave a smaller purse to my best friend but i forgot to get a picture of it. you can see it a bit in the photo of her adorable girl rosamund! i braided the strap with three different fabrics and it is not a square shape, a little larger on the bottom. i used several different colors and patterns of fabrics, i think six for the purse i gave shekinah. i really liked the design i made her, i should have made two! but this black purse is great too. i have always had a thing for black and red, although i dont wear it much anymore, i still wanted something to use to spice up a boring all black day....many times when i dont know what to wear, especially in the winter i just throw on a black top. this bag is large enough that i can throw a couple diapers and a change of clothes for the kids and not feel like i am lugging a giant diaper bag across town. but small enough to be just a purse for me. it took a while to sew the flower together, there are several layers and i had to iron them together and then sew them, so they wouldnt shift. i really dont like to use pins!

i have been wanting to make dahlia a doll for a while and it seemed that it shouldnt be too hard. i just happened to come across an episode of martha stewart and she was doing a doll craft. (i learn better by watching someone, not reading about it)  i usually tevo her shows and skip through it checking for a neat craft or something interesting. tevo is awesome, i wouldnt watch tv without it! anyways, she had a guest on who makes handmade dolls. they were adorable and so i busted one out. i admit i am not the best sewing woman but i love the idea. i have the design in mind for many things but actually puting it together is a whole nother process. that is why i havent actually made more bags i think, my head spins when i sew for very long. anyhow, i didnt do exactly what she did but it is similar. dahlia picked out the hair color and i did the rest. i wanted to name her rosie but she INSISTED on micaiah. my best friends daughter is named micaiah, she talks a lot about her now adays.

i liked this project because it is ok to not be precise, it is a funky doll and i dont mind things not being symetrical. i should have drawn the face on before i stuffed it though, that was a bit awkward.... this is my first one so my next will should be much better! i ddint have any fabric lying around that was close to skin color, the piece i used was actually the backside of a paisley print, so she looks a bit pale, i think she may faint (=

i dont want to do any kind of party throwing money making thing, pampered chef, jewelry candles... not for me!   i thought maybe i could make totes and purses  for 25 bucks each out of the fabrics i already have ,but what if i dont make my quota, who doesnt get to eat that month? (= in theory making stuff to sell is a great idea, but being consistent is the problem. i think something outside the home would be best. so if you have any ideas, i really want to hear them! i really really want to swim!!! 

this was written by keith green, one of my all time favorites. he is from the 70's but i grew up listening to him so it is in me i guess. anyways this song i was listening to today and i said to myself, "that is so my heart!"  such a good song.

"In the christian life there are trials and temptations. successfully overcoming these adversities produces maturity and strong character"

why do people just want to skip over the trial part or the learning part and we just want to get to the point. we know that during the trial it is always hard but that after we come through it we will be much wiser and see things clearly, so why do we fight it EVERY TIME!

for instance reading a book. i love to read good books. not so much novels or fiction. but i have a problem with reading books from the beginning to the end. that is so BORING. i have to start randomly wherever i open it to and then i skip around and from chapter to chapter, maybe not even reading each chapter completely through. i typically read the end first and the beginning last, hoping to get whatever goods there is in there right away and not have to spend so much time with all the bla bla bla.

that probably sounds totally insane to some of you. my husband for one is not a fan of how i do this. he just doesnt understand, but i cant understand how he can read "SQL hacks" and be excited about it! 

anyways, i was realizing that this was a good analogy for going through trials. i just want to get to the end so i can see the good or exciting part and learn everything all at once, but it doesnt work that way. we must experience the trial to get the most out of it, yes God will give us wisdom if we ask him for it, but we can just pick up a box of wisdom or a basket of knowledge the next time we are at the market, it takes time to become this wise and patient person. during times of growth it feels like it may take forever to get to the end, but once you are there it was all worth it and you look back as if it were a mere moment. i can only learn so much at any given time anyhow, so rushing it doesnt create maturity any faster. so this next trial (and book) i go through, i think i will try to patiently wait out the bla bla bla and expect that maturity will come once i have reached the conclusion.

during the day if they are playing by themselves i try to sneak away or quietly do something nearby. i cannot ever sit at the dining table or on the couch to read a book to myself, that is unheard of! or folding laundry in the living room or organizing. the kitchen doesnt bother them so much, as long as i am a busy bee they dont bother me, but once we make eye contact then the whining starts! i usually must be out of site for them to not be interested in me. so if they come barreling down the hall waving books in the air, i calmy leap over the gate and hide between the closet doors till they pass.....or if i am brave i sneak into my room (which is right by their door) and clean or something.... but our door handles are so noisy i rarely get away with that one.

it just cracks me up that i literally hide from my children!

i was reading today in my Bible and in the explanation part of James (i have a life application bible which i think is great) it read,

"In the christian life there are trials and temptations. successfully overcoming these adversities produces maturity and strong character"

so if we dont go through trouble then we arent going to grow. it seems silly to wish life were easy then, i dont see how we would gain anything if life was that way. so many times we complain when we are going through something frustrating, but once we get through it we know we will see clearly, so why do we fight it? the old testament is full of people who went through trial after trial, i am just thankful we dont live till we are 800 years old!

then in james i was reading...

"if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

if we need wisdom and dont know what to do in life all we need to do is seek him and ask for it. who else would have better wisdom than God? he gave us this book to gain knowledge from but then sometimes we think we can get wisdom from tv or something far less holy. we can learn from all kinds of people and booksof course, but God says if we ask him he will give us wisdom.  looking for it other places isnt the key to success in life.

i have always liked ephesians, well most of the new testament anyhow. but in ephesians 5:15 it says

"be very careful how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." 

just because we have Jesus doesnt mean we can live flippantly and carelessly live for ourselves. he isnt our free ticket into heaven, there is more to it. he calls us to be holy and wise and to keep our standards high and to act wisely. there is no time for foolishness and careless living. every day we have to evaluate our lives and priorities and make sure it lines up with the Bible. sometimes it seems like we have so much time on earth but we really dont. we arent guaranteed another day even, we are called to be holy and live our lives for his glory..... he could take me tomorrow and i would have to give an account of every wasted moment to him.

i dont want to do activities or service acts just to chalk another one up for me, i want my heart to be right and not to procrastinate with this small amount of time that i have to make a difference.loving God and loving people is what is important.

many times at funerals we evaluate our lives and what we are doing and it makes us think about what people will say when we die. but are we really concerned about what Jesus will say when we come to heaven? or are we more concerned with having the most flowers on our tombstone or the largest funeral and the most tears shed? or getting on oprah because you gave the most money or free stuff to the poor. is all of this in vain? are we serving for Jesus and Jesus alone? do we love people because we want them to love us or are we loving them because jesus loves them?

we are called to be wise and holy and make the most of our lives, i encourage us who call ourselves christ followers to truly follow Jesus by loving and serving others for his glory.

in high school or even college i remember never wanting to answer a question out loud. i had the idea in my head but then when i thought of putting my hand up, i got all confused and had no idea what was running through my head. this is a line i copied from the description.  symptoms in other domains such as poor short tern memory skills, poor personal organizational skills and problems processing spoken language. ummm that is me!!i have a terrible short term memory (just ask justin, it is nearly unbelievable) i cannot be organized, i feel like my mind is in constant chaos. and then with processing spoken language, that happens all the time. justin will tell me something and i have to ask him like 3 or 5 times what he was saying. like i hear him but my brain is still processing the first word he said and he is onto the 8th word. especially in school or church services. if i dont take notes i probably wouldnt be able to tell you any details about the sermon. you might have to remind me of what subject he was even talking about. i hear it all and i laugh at all the jokes and nod my head in agreement but i couldnt for the life of me spit out anything if the teacher or preacher called on me! and if the speech is longer than twenty minutes i gotta get up at least once because i can barely stand sitting that long just listening to someone talk. if it is an interactive group then that is totally different.

well i think it is interesting to learn about how the mind and emotions all work. i like to try and figure out why i do the things i do and other people to. i think it helps me grow and relate better to people.and not feel super nutty!

some of this is probably due to my personality, being an odd mix of sanguine and some other stuff, but then i dont think that is the only reason. i am sure that what i have described is fairly normal for some, and many people have some of these same tendencies, but i guess i feel a little kooky and kind of was encouraged to read that I am not just a loonatic all by myself (= my best friend is somewhat like me and we are both artists and i thought maybe she would have these same tendencies and so i called her and asked her. expecting her to say "oh totally, i do that too" but no, she doesnt do any of the same things!!! that is when i thought it might not just be due to personality.

i also pasted this line from the description....Acquired dyslexias occur due to brain damage in the left hemisphere's key ... so maybe it is just from all the pot smoking back in my teens....

a big whopping smooch!

cute couple (=

typical bodeutsch gathering

me, susahn, kirstin (justins older sister) megan (justins younger sister)

justin has an adopted cousin named justin and this is his girlfriend jackolyn... how crazy is that? she was very sweet and we chatted for a while. she has big eyes like me too.

my nephew william who i have just met this weekend! he is so cute! 

 newlyweds! congratulations!!!

so basically i have been thinking a lot about christians and what that means. so many people call themselves christians but what they are really meaning by that is " i asked jesus into my heart when i was 5, but havent talked to him since" or " i think the bible is true, therefore i am safe" . im sorry to burst your bubble if you are one of theses types, but a christian is a "christ follower" dont you agree? for some reason "christian" gets too flippently used nowadays. i think if we started calling each other "Christ followers" it might make us think a little more about what we are claiming to be.

Jesus is who i strive to be like, Jesus is who i follow. if we dont have Jesus then we might as well call ourselves "oprah followers" and throw in the towel. everyone follows something, but who are we willing to die for? 

my heart longs and aches for more from life. no matter how much i try to squeeze out the goodness from myself, i come up dry. no matter how far i dig to find the purest joy worldliness can find i come up empty... no matter how hard i try to muster up the strength to be good all by myself, i fail. is there any reason for me to go on falling for myself. as if somehow i will think myself into godliness and be at the top.

my aunt invited all the ladies and girl cousins of our family together on saturday for a tea party (= it was nice to see everyone and i was able to strap valen down in his high chair for quite a bit of the time, but once he was down he was into everything. unless a house in absolutely baby proofed i gotta follow him around. then we headed out to see my friend shekinah who lives out close to my aunt. it was so nice to see her and her kids! i havent seen her youngest rosamond since we moved away in january. she is so adorable! she looks cute in the pictures but way cuter in person. she makes the cutest expressions and smiles!! i really really liked her! she is 8 months old.

  dahlia had so much fun with lillian and jonas just doing whatever. really cute to watch them play. one of the nights jonas wouldnt go to bed and neither would dahlia so we said, why fight it, just let them stay up and play. so they sat at the kids table and colored and talked in their little language, it was adorable. i wish i had a picture of it! i miss that we dont get to see them very much anymore, but at least we only live 1 1/2 hours away and are still able to visit here and there. we love you guys!!

i hate the burden of being a slave to sin. it is so heavy and hurts my back. i cant stand wallowing in my own misery and being the same as i was 5 years ago, it just makes me sick. i just want to get rid of this sin and selfishness so that i can be used like he wants me to. the less of myself that is in me, the more room for him and the more of him in me, the more holiness that i can radiate.

i dont know who else i would pursue if i didnt follow Jesus. the world has failed time and again to be the hope that i need or the comfort for my weary soul. how can we push him aside and follow ourselves when we know that that leads us nowhere? are we afraid if we actually follow Jesus that people wont like us? that they will find us judgemental and hypocritical? well the world hated Jesus so they arent going to like us either , but it shouldnt be because we are judgemental or hateful, it should be simply because their own sin holds them back from the truth. 

if we arent growing closer to Jesus and changing on a regualar basis then we need to ask ourselves if we truly love God or just want to go to heaven.

i was not sure what to expect traveling with both dahlia and valen,  we havent done that since we moved here. the trip is only 1 1/2 hours, but it feels like an eternity when you have cranky babies! 

we left about 10:30 am and made it to chehalis before any shenanagins occured. valen had fallen asleep but dahlia was just hanging out. i looked back at one point when i heard her moaning a bit and she had four fingers in her mouth and some crimson goo was dripping out of her mouth.... ummm first thought was BLOOD..... is this some kind of horror dream or what? then what proceeded to follow was a pile of blueberries all over herself. i am just thankful that it was milk or bananas. it had only been a short while since she had eaten them so it was not that disgusting. anyways, we pulled over and then valen woke up not one bit happy. i cleaned dahlia all up and we headed once again to vancouver. we werent sure if we should keep going, what if she was sick or just would puke again from being in the car so long.... but we took the chance. the rest of the way was about an hour and both kids were crying and nothing would make them happy. i jumped into the back seat and tried to make peace, but it just made them more upset because then they wanted me to take them out of their seats.... so we just cranked up the tunes and that seemed to be the best idea yet. but i didnt care for the backseat either, i felt a bit nauseas myself.

my brother was having a bbq that day for some family and that was a lot of fun. the kids played in the sprinkler in the 100 degree weather. at first they didnt like the cold water, but then we couldnt get them out of it! it was really fun to see all the kids play together and also little kloee was born may 12th this year. she is so precious and adorable! slept the whole time and i snuggled her for a few minutes.

this photo is my family. jonas 2 1/2, lillian will be 6 in august and my dads mom is in the front next to them, i wont disclose her age (= then in the back right, jenny, my brothers wife and then my father Don and mother Cheryl. my sister jerika (28, one year younger than me) is next to me. i never really thought we looked alike but i can see the resemblance from all of us girls in the picture, especially my grandma and i. jerikas husband jason is not pictured and james (30, one year older than me) was taking the picture. 

before we left town we saw some friends who just had a baby, micah and molly stickler, but i dont have a picture of them. that was good to see them, but valen was bouncing off the walls so we cut it short. 

we headed back to olympia about 7 and thought maybe the kids would sleep since the day was long and they didnt sleep much in the car earlier. oh i forgot to mention that dahlia woke up at 1 am the night before we left and ended up sleeping with us, so none of us got much sleep. so we figured sleep would be easy.... so once again about 30 minutes into the drive, valen woke up and started screaming like crazy!  we pulled off a few miles ahead and took them into target for a walk. he was so sweaty and that might have been the problem. so we let them run around the store and it was very cute. when we put them in the car they didnt even complain. so the whole rest of the way home valen chewed on a book and dahlia had me read her her coloring book in between random singing she would do. 

when we got home our house was scorching so we had to air it out a bit before putting them to bed, so the kids got to stay up till 10:00 and then went to bed great. it was a long day but good to see everyone and get away. next time i will be sure not to have just fed dahlia right before we leave for a long drive, that should help. and maybe i will bring extra towels and barf bags too!

tell me i am not the only one who goes down this road! then i pretty much have our marriage counselor on the phone hoping he can talk some sense into my husband so next time he wont buy the creamy peanut butter instead of the crunchy and push me over into the insane assylum!

if i were pregnant ( AND I AM NOT) this type of behavior is really a formality, but unfortunately for this argument i have no excuse.

please tell me i am not alone in this hormonally imbalanced act!

we first checked into the governor hotel right downtown then walked around till we found a restaurant that sounded  good. which ended up being a mcmenamins that used to be something else.. but it was very yummy, i had a light dinner and justin had a burger (of course) and we got raspberry crisp with vanilla ice cream to share and left with only 20 bucks less in our pocket. it was a very enjoyable time.

then we went back to our hotel and played cards and got less stuffed.. then walked around the water and took this great picture.

then we had to cut the walk short since i was getting an ear ache (i get those really easy when there is wind) got back to our hotel and jumped into the hot tub.. the hotel was so empty so there was no one else there. snuggled and talked till about 1 am.... slept terrible of course (hotels never go well with me) then at 6:30 am there were some guys working on a roof next door..... so the sleeping was rough, but the rest of the time was so wonderful! and i didnt even call home to make sure the kids were ok.... welll i wanted to several times but justin wouldnt let me. 

i really didnt think it could have felt that relaxing!  thank you mom and dad so much!!! 

1 1/2 cup oats

1/4 cup wheat germ

1/4 cup ground nuts (i used ground flax seeds)

1/4 cup nonfat dry milk

1/4 cup oil ( i used safflower high heat oil)

5 tbsp honey

1 egg

1/4 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup fruit or no sugar fruit spread (i used blueberry fruit spread from trader joes)

pour all batter in pan then spread fruit on top, then top with a thin layer of oats if you like.

bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes

 wait for them to cool.... yum!

i calculated the nutrition facts if you cut these into eight bars and if i am correct there is...

fat  5.4 grams (mostly good fats)

pro 4.5 grams

fib  2.5 grams

yesterday while at fred meyer i saw some organic strawberries for a good deal. none of them looked mushy or moldy. i was very excited about that. in the past i have usually had to throw away several from each container. these were by far the BEST strawberries that i have EVER tasted! not one did i have to throw away! i put them on top of my chocolately dessert (which i will list the ingredients for below) and for breakfast with blueberries and yogurt and granola! furthermore it was 85 or something like that yesterday! felt like summer finally! summer is coming and all of its perks with it!

 the actual recipe called for 1/2 cup ricotta, but i like mine a little more flavorful so i ditched some of the cheese. it is so good. it doesnt like a big enough helping, but it really hits the spot and it so rich. i would refrigerate it for an hour or so to make it nice and cold before you eat it.

we started going to a church down town olympia recently and i noticed they had an espresso bar. i was reluctant to even bother ordering something for fear i would be disgusted. but i gave it a whirl anyhow... oh my goodness the first sip and i was in love! so i went up to the guy in charge and asked him if he worked at a shop around town and where i could get a yummy cup up coffee! he is great and told me of some worth while shops around. so at least every sunday i can have my latte and only pay a dollar for it too. they just have a donation suggestion box. but i give two bucks since it is so good and i would have paid like 3 bucks anywhere else for something half as good. and it is for the church so why not (= i would love to volunteer at the espresso bar at church too so i talked to him about that too. what a great way to get to know people and have fun making espresso again. 

all that to say.... we have been considering buying an espresso machine for our home. i mean what other time in our lives will we be getting like 2000 bucks from the government??! we want to buy stuff we might not buy otherwise and that would be useful.

some days i really could use a cup of coffee and also when we have people over or parties i would love to serve it. but we found out that a good machine costs at least 300 bucks.... so ummm no. but i dont want to pay 10 bucks a week going thru drive thrus all the time. so i thought ok well maybe we can buy a coffee pot, at least to get some caffeine. sure it wont taste good, but i need something. but they cost 25 bucks or more plus a grinder and then buying the coffee... i just dont like drip coffee enough to waste money on that. man i am a cheapskate! so i ended up buying a jar of instant coffee for four dollars. isnt that hillarious! i go from being a coffee snob to resorting to instant coffee the nastiest way to drink it ever! but this way i am not expecting a latte that is good, so i am not disappointed. but i found a good way to enjoy it.

i like it strong, so you might not want to try this at home (=

8 ounces of milk hot

2 heaping teaspoons coffee

1 tsp cocoa powder

splash of almond extract

2 tsp honey 

Justin and i went downtown olympia to check it out and it was neat. we had lunch first at mcmenamins and it was so yummy! then just meandered around and talked to a few of the local artists there who had some stuff out that i really enjoyed. here are their sites if you want to see them.

laurie stone

joanne osband

 I have been working on a lot of crafty things here since we moved in. (i have not done any drawing of people since my entry about that, but still am going to. but i am caught up with other creative things)  trying to get the house decorated how i want it. i like to make most my decor or at least tweek things i buy just a little. so i have six projects that i have made a deadline for. June !st is Valens first birthday party so i am shooting for that day. i get so sidetracked and start other projects before i finish another. i think it is because i get a great idea and so i start it a little, but then i get another idea and so i get excited about starting that one too.... and so on. so right now i have quite a few half or nearly half done art projects sitting on the counter... well until this afternoon when i put them in the closet. this is why i need my own craft room, otherwise the whole house turns into my very own craft room (= so i am working on this weakness. Trying to prioritize my projects and make some sort of system. maybe even use a planner.... who would have thought i could do that? i like the idea, but it never works for me. maybe this time it will. i usually just jot things down on random pieces of paper all over the place. i dont know why i dont use just one piece and keep it all together, i really dont understand myself. so ive got a stack of papers with lots of scribbles, now i just need to sit down and write it all out in an organized fashion.

so expect some new pictures of our house (finally) in june. at least i am hoping to have the dining and living areas done. i really have so much fun doing this and i love being in my home when i am surrounded by things that ive created, it feels warm and inspiring and my personality comes through and that is cool.  i like to live in a fun environment with lots of uniqueness.

all of this is only possible because valen turned a corner a month or so ago and i have more time and energy to do stuff. so that might be part of the reason i am running a hundred miles an hour in my head and cant seem to catch myself. i havent done much since he was born, so there is a lot bottled up. hooray! i am so excited for tomorrow! actually tomorrow i am going to work on a couple purses for myself, and that has nothing to do with decorating the house oops (=.... but i am going to get on track on monday i promise (=

before we even had valen, justin and i were pretty sure that two children would be enough for us. i never really wanted kids till shortly before i was married so it isnt really that surprising that two is plenty right now. so at the thought of being pregnant i was a bit overwhelmed. i started worrying about everything that i could, for instance, how in the world are we going to afford this one? we dont have insurance for me right now at all... that would be expensive unless we gave birth at home, which i actually would be all for except for the fact that my last two births were bad back labor and i really dont want to go through that again so i would consider an epidural. so that means i would need to be in a hospital. anyways, other things like, how will i take care of my two small children when i am sick with morning sickness? how will i function once the new baby comes without getting sleep, how will we afford an suv? oh my and the list went on until my vision started to blur and i nearly went into hysteria. so i stopped. stopped thinking about all the frustrating things that could happen and prayed. and not so long after i started thinking of all the wonderful things about my life and how beautiful my children are and how special and perfect and how blessed i am and how owing 15,000 bucks for medical bills wouldnt be the END of the world and how situations that seem impossible are usually not as bad once you get into them... and no one ever died from having three kids in a row (well not just because of that fact alone)  so i started realizing that even though it wasnt what we wanted or could really see ourselves dealing with, i knew that everything was going to be ok and i just needed to stop worrying and enjoy life.

so for the next few days we were both so confused at what my body was doing. trying to prepare ourselves for possibly another baby but at the same time thinking of how we were going to spend our government stimulus moola (= and having a baby would mean no fun and games with that dough )= the cool thing was that for the first time since valen was born i felt peace about having another baby and didnt feel like my world was going to crumble. my whole perspective seemed different and i was very optimistic. those days made me really count my blessings and appreciate my life the way it was and not be so anxious for something else but to be content just being a mom right now and putting aside my selfish needs to do something else with my time ever since then i have had a lot more energy and been much more creative and purposeful with my time. i guess i had been just sort of in a slump since valen came. he has been so much work, not such an easy baby as we were hoping for. and since both dahlia and him are so little it makes my days long and exhausting... i have never really been content with sitting at home and just being a mom. i had tried to deal with that but i still couldnt be happy and not feel stuck. my heart was somehow longing for some other life and resisting what was reality. but somehow seeing the other life i could be having and how much time i would not have,  really helped me appreciate the freedom i do have and realize what a bump on a log i had been. i had also felt a bit distant from God, really since about the time i gave birth to dahlia, ive been really frustrated and in a dry season i guess.... and it was hard. not to mention just after giving birth can be hard on its own... so the past 2 years have been kind of empty and draining and lots of questioning. but i feel like God has shown his face once again to me and i can see clearly again. like my heart has been renewed and my joy has returned. i dont think it was really about being pregnant but God was able to use those few days to do something inside me and i am very grateful for that! so when we figured out that i was indeed NOT pregnant, there was a bit of rejoicing! even though God had prepared my heart for the opposite, i was very relieved at the same time. since this happened, justin and i both see things a bit differently and are excited to be where we are right now and not get discouraged by the mundane.

do you ever go shopping at junk stores? i used to get sucked in so easily but i have been making a big effort to not collect more needless stuff that i will never use or that we just dont need, simply because it was so cheap. i walked away from a lot of things today that i would normally have bought and i was very proud of myself. i only picked up this crazy cool sweater for valen jude that i think you all will hate, but i thought it was groovy. do you ever feel like the thrift shops have some sort of power of you? like you buy something and then get out to the car and say to yourself what was i thinking, this is hideous! do you ever feel obligated to buy something when someone is watching you, or you dont want to put it back because you are already at the check out counter? i bought this clock a while back from the goodwill and then i got in my car and said "yuck, that is so ugly" but i felt so ridiculous taking something back at a junk store, i mean who does that? so i reasoned with myself and decided that i was donating my money to charity in a way so it was ok to not return it, but i soon after found it in a box we were going to take to the goodwill... that is so not going to happen again, how silly is it to feel bad and waste money, that is just absurd. i am actually the queen of returning things, but i am not ashamed. if i couldnt leave the store until i was absolutely sure i wanted to purchase something, then i just would either never leave the store or never buy anything. 

maybe everyone already has heard of this, but i just did. i think it is so great and just wanted to let you all know.

comcast forgot to turn off the inhibitor for the cable, so we have way too many channels now so i have beenchecking out a few more things than i normally would, and it is so not necessary and doing anything good for me, i do like a few things but i got to be careful i dont get sucked in! we told the guy who was over here to turn it off and he said he would but that was a week ago.... i am a better person without it!

anyways, in regards to the beginning of this entry...we may have the most comfortable relationship that i know of... but then again maybe you are comfortable with not being comfortable doing uncomfortable things (=and that is ok, i just need it a different way.so that brings me to my next question....

Can you poo in front of other peoples spouses?

ok just joking, but i actually do have another poll on the side bar. vote please! 

i actually have a huge fear of puking. one year i had food poisoning 4 times... four times in  a twelve month period! i know that i crazy. i was throwing up for 24 hours straight, not fun at all! i wanted to die(not an exaggeration! ) so if i ever feel a tummy ache coming on i start getting a little paranoid that i might be up all night puking, but thankfully i havent been that sick in three years.

we love so many things about this place, it is better in just about every way compared to our previous place. i mean we really did like the house we just moved from, but now that we are here, we are so glad to be. i will post some pictures as soon as it looks descent. the best part are the windows. there is a giant window in the living room and it lets in so much light. that is one thing we didnt like about our house in vancouver, not enough light coming in since the sun came up on the opposite side. also the living room isnt as big so it actually is warm! the kitchen has better counter space and cupboard space and the laundry room is inside the house! oh and our bathroom and walk in closet situation is great! i will defintely post photos of that soon. the things that i dont care for are trivial so i wont mention them (if you are curious i can complain in private to you) (=

anyways, glad to be here, feels a little lonely not having any friends or family, well justins family, but they are actually in california with his sister who just had a baby, so for now, no family. but i am sure we will meet some people as soon as we get to go to church.

goodnight!

thanks so much to those who helped, we wouldnt be alive if it werent for you! (=

hire a professional to alter my dress. somehow it got pinned wrong and ended up sticking up an inch on my shoulders )= ....

tell my dad NOT to dress like a fruit cake, I would have been fine with him showing up in jeans and any old shirt really, but my mom had her mind made up that he needed to wear the nicest thing that he owned.. which happened to be very ugly and actually turned out to make him look a little more tacky than "sharp".

hire a photographer...we had a friend do the pictures (she did fine, but the lighting was so bad in the church and she didnt have her own light, so they turned out shadowy.

have a little more money to decorate the way i would have liked.

I remember my mom coming to me at the last minute (literally) and saying she wasnt comfortable with the walking down the isle thing i had planned, so i said "whatever"(what was i supposed to say, we seriously had a minute till i walked down the isle.) and ended up walking down with both of them, but the problem was we didnt rehearse that so there was not enough room for me..... as you can see in the picture, i might have well sat down and no one would have noticed (= i also remember bringing boxes of decor from my apartment and justins house too and telling people to make it look pretty, i think i told them where i wanted the lights but that is about it. so thanks to all our friends who threw it all into place in a couple hours without a decorator.

but is all that really important? would i really be happier if i would have spent a lot more money and had lots of food and flowers and lights and a huge fancy cake with a lovely bride and groom on top instead of wonder woman and bolbbafettso pez dispensers? would i have been happier now if i would have gone to the bahamas and sipped pina coladas all day long instead of rainy longbeach eating candy bars and doritos from the vending machines in the hotel hall? i didnt even throw my bouquet... i am just glad that i didnt go overboard and waste a whole lotta money for something that now, i dont even care about. the only reason why i would care now is to show everyone who comes over "look i had a pretty wedding and ive got the pictures to prove it" i bet if we would have spent a lot of money, i would be regretting it to this day wishing we would have bought a house or a car or something. many girls spend their whole lives fantasizing about this perfect day that is so elaborate. a wedding does not need to cost a fortune and no one should go into debt in the process. even when i look back and am a little disappointed in some things, it really isnt important and no one probably remembers anything , and if they do they dont spend time thinking about it now (= (except maybe myself) the things that i do like to think about were the fun we had with our family and friends and all the smiles and promises exchanged. but my favorite part was the music and the afro wig... oh and the no shoes thing, that really confused people. we simply did it that way because i couldnt find any shoes i liked and at the last second justin came to me and said the groomsmen only had their tennis shoes with them, i said "they are going barefoot" .

Dr. Seuss books are the BEST! those are books i can read over and over and not get sick of them. most other books we have i am tired of reading after a few times. dahlia loves them too. her favorites right now are The Cat in The Hat and There's a Wocket in My Pocket. i actually found myself reading The Cat in The Hat and then noticed dahlia had already walked away, but i kept on reading so i could find out what happened. they are fun and wacky and rhyme too. i cant wait to get all of them. what is your favorite? i also hear Where the Wild Things Are is a good one. (not dr seuss)

speaking of things i love... i have finally found the most wonderful toothbrush ever!It is called Colgate 360. i have incredibly sensitive teeth (as some of you know) and need a very soft toothbrush or i cringe and can barely clean my teeth. i searched through all the toothbrushes at fred meyer and finally found one that is EXTRA SOFT! i have bought soft toothbrushes in the past, but they still feel like i am just rubbing something flat against my teeth and gums. i have never been pleased. but this toothbrush was like no other! my mouth felt so clean and the brush thoroughly touched everywhere. you just dont understand how excited i am. i have probably gone through like 10 toothbrushes in the last 2 years and end up giving them to justin or using them for the toilet because they dont work for me. i dont even know what i paid for it, i didnt even pay attention, but whatever it was, it was worth it! and furthermore it has a tongue and cheek cleaner on the opposite side of the brush, which i am not sure how i feel about, but my whole mouth was sparkling and fresh!

Everything is wonderful about this place with the exception of the carpet; it's a hideous blue-green from the early nineties. A quick stop to Ikea should fix that pretty well though. The neighborhood is awesome, behind us is a gated retirement community. We're really sick of all the loud neighbors we have now, so that will be a nice change of pace. And we should finally be able to get some people to play pinochle with!

We've been thinking of moving up to Olympia since before we were married. We're bummed we have to leave everyone here but we just don't care for Vancouver and Justin misses his hometown. And besides Justin works from home so there is nothing tying us down at all. Please pray that we will be able to get everything packed up and ready in four weeks, Dahlia and Valen have other agendas so this should be interesting.

the kids actually didnt sleep much at all. valen fell asleep a little after kelso and dahlia was wide awake the whole time. a little cranky, i might add also )= she used to do very well in the car, even on long rides, but not anymore. good thing i brought some cheerios along or she probably would have been crying the whole time. so after we got there we had fun, dahlia and valen got a new toy box from grandpa and grandma bodeutsch, thanks you guys!! and then bla bla bla... but i will skip to the night time part, this is where it gets exciting (= we werent planning on staying overnight, we were going to drive home around 9pm so the kids could just go to sleep on the way, but it was cold and icy so we thought we had better not till morning. i was nervous about that, i didnt think dahlia would do well at all. she barely goes to bed in her own bed at home, let alone a strange house and a big bed too. so she refused to go to sleep anywhere, she was so tired but so cranky and just kept fussing about climbing up and down the stairs... finally almost midnight, she fell asleep on justin and he dropped her into bed. she slept all night with justin and we woke her up at 9:30. oh my goodness. thankfully valen did well. he only woke up one time(which is normal) and went back to sleep shortly after. then we tried rushing around to get out of there by 10:30, which turned into 11, and dahlia was just fussing over things. she has been different the past week, maybe this is the beginning of the terrible twos.. so we got in the car and she was very reluctant. and about an hour later when we almost were at kelso, she started freaking out and crying. she needed to poo, but couldnt while sitting in her carseat, so she got really frustrated and didnt understand why i couldnt just take her out. so we took a little trip to target. fed valen a bottle and we chased dahlia around until we smelt a lovely aroma. then she was a happy camper (=

i am soooo looking forward to the days when they sleep good.... just one night is all i ask!

i am soooo looking forward to the days when they sleep good.... just one night is all i ask!  

i also have a friend who i know from when i lived in california who has some cool music. her name is lindsey cook. her style is indie/folk. 

there was also a young teenager who lost both of his eyes when he was just three years old, because they were cancerous. after his surgery to remove his eyes, he woke up and said "mommy i cant see anymore". i just about burst into tears! but then oprah continued by saying that he then at age seven, figured out that he could hear sounds objects give off by clicking his tongue. it was so neat. he was blind, but you just wouldnt have known it, he was so confident and was able to tell where things were by making certain clicking. so fascinating. he could roller blade, play video games and use the computer... crazy.
i have seen some glass eyes before, but these were so real like. i could barely tell he was blind. they moved and blinked too. it was just inspiring, because this kid should have every reason to feel insecure or less than others, but he has just made the most of his situation and excelled in the art of seeing without eyes. what a special guy.

there were some other good stories on today, but i felt these were worth mentioning. they have more of each story and pictures on her website if you are interested. you should at least check out that little boy, very cool! 

valen makes noises at night too so i would hear him and wake up. and since i am breastfeeding i have to lay on my back a little propped up. if i dont then i usually get plugged ducts which are uncomfortable and i cant sleep very well after a few hours. sleeping on my side is so comfortable, but whenever i do, i get all clogged. such a bummer! i dont know if every mom is as sensitive as me, but i sure hope not.

since i started pumping, about a month ago, he has been gaining weight again. he was actually losing weight for a while there. but i think being able to see exactly what he is getting and then supplementing one bottle a day is making a huge difference. althought pumping is very inconvenient, especially with my two babies. i was doing it about 6 times a day but have cut back to four lately. my supply is still pretty good, at least he is getting mostly breastmilk and only a little formula. it just isnt realistic to pump for 30 minutes 6 times a day... way too time consuming. ive tried feeding him straight from me, but it doesnt go well. i am just thankful he has had a full six months at least.

his appointment for his six month checkup was yesterday. he has only gained a pound since his four month visit, but that is due to the fact he was losing for a while, but we have fixed that problem. other than his weight, he is very healthy! so bouncy and smiley. the doctor thought he was just adorable and so sweet! he didnt really like her poking at him though, he got his little lip all curled under, it was so cute. sometimes i feel like it is so unnecessary to go to those visits. well besides the shots, it doesnt really do any good. they just weigh him and measure him and then ask me if i have questions. if i do, they are questions i have already researched myself, but i ask anyways just to see what she would say. but i guess there are plenty of parents out there who need to be taking their children to be checked on so that the doctor can see if there are any signs of abuse or neglect or whatever. but i am kind of disappointed that she never asks me about (at dahlias app ) what types of things she is eating or if she takes a multivitamin or if i read any books regarding childrens nutrition... what if i had no idea about what a child needs and was feeding her doughnuts and ramen all day long? what if i thought that tylenol was fine to give a child every night to get them to sleep? she didnt suggest anything to me about health or diet. i thought that was odd. but maybe she wasnt concerned from just talking to me, maybe she could tell that i was doing what i should be. but still, i think that it should be standard for the doctors to bring in a info sheet about things that a child at this or that age should be getting. just simple things, that maybe the mom doesnt know or has just ignored. but i do think our doctor is very nice and i am not saying she isnt a good doctor, but i just think there should be a little more prying into a childs lifestyle.

valen seems like he wants to start eating solids because whenever we are eating or holding something, he leans over and tries to grab it and put it in his mouth. i tried feeding him rice cereal, but he just got really frustrated with it and started crying. he doesnt understand how to eat instead of drink. i will try again in a couple days. it would just be nice to strap him in a chair and give him something to eat while we are eating. but i am really in no rush. dahlia didnt really eat solids till she was closer to 9 months i think. the only reason i would is for the iron. 

on a different note, i have not had a chance to do any drawings! by the time the kids are in bed, i just want to sit back or lay down, so hopefully when valen is sleeping better and i am not so tired, i can get some artsy stuff done. thanks for inquiring! 

i was very excited about this cranberry sauce recipe i had found last week. i have never even liked cranberry sauce at any occasion, but for some reason i thought i would like to attempt to make this one. it turned out so good! here is the link for the recipe if you are interested. and i bought a chocolate torte from trader joes last week that is absolutely fantastic.... you must purchase this cake for a party! and some sparkling blueberry juice to wash down dinner... really was great!

i told my husband a while back that i was looking for a book that had every food in it with all of the nutrition facts and health benefits and other interesting info about healthy foods... and i found it. i stumbled across it and am so excited about it. it is called The Worlds Healthiest Foods by George Mateljan. he started the first organic health food line years ago and has been experimenting and researching lots of foods for a while. seriously, everyone needs this book, it is so helpful and interesting. by the way it is HUGE! looks like an encyclopedia.. which it sort of is. i felt like i was in high school again, studying for a test or something. and it also has several recipes for each food. i have tried a few and they are great. there is a website where i found out about this book, i have a link to it on my side bar. but i will put it here too. www.whfoods.org .

justin is open to the idea of getting rid of the junk he eats, but he says i shouldnt rush him....and that he has already made lots of changes since we have been married. like eating whole wheat pasta, fruit leathers and cutting back on doritos. i guess i cant expect him to stop cold turkey eating what is fatty and yummy, but it makes it a lot easier for me not to eat junk if it isnt in the house. he has been gone since sunday and i havent eaten anything like i would when he is here. salads for dinner and nothing fried... and there was still left over halloween candy sitting around and i wasnt even tempted.. hmmm..... i never really thought about it but he is a bad influence on me (= well it is just easier to eat the same thing for dinner as him. it is too much time to make separate things, although sometimes that does happen. i am not really a good cook or anything, so hopefully i will be able to whip up some fabulous healthy meals that he will love and not want to eat cheese covered cheese all the time.

speaking of him being gone. on sunday night after he left the kids were doing well. valen went to bed without a peep and dahlia was an angel! but then morning came. valen woke up at 5, which is fine, but then right after he went back to sleep, dahlia was awakened by the storminess and started screaming at 6am!!! so that woke up valen and we all had a smashing dark morning(= (i am joking) so i lost hope after that, and since then things havent gone very well, but they could have been worse, i just keep telling myself that (= so i am looking forward to some rest tonight since justin will be in just in time for valens screaming episode. i am so glad he has this job, but still hate the part where he goes away! but i am glad he got a break. even though he is working down there, he is still having a lot of fun.

hopefully we can get him on a better schedule. this two times a night deal (sometimes three) is getting old real fast. i am so sleep deprived, i dont know how i function at all. justin was listening to a podcast about sleep and how much we need it to function properly. studies have been done to show that your brain doesnt work as well on little or no sleep. which is what i have been saying forever! (= so when new moms say they lost their brain during delivery.. it is true! i hopefully will get mine back before next summer (= if only dahlia would take naps, life would be so rosy (= 

Also, Imago Dei has a series of podcasts out called "1000 conversations" and it is really good too. i usually enjoy Ricks teachings, he is down to earth and humorous. www.imagodeicommunity.com

please pray that my head stays attatched to my neck these next fews days, taking care of sick babies when i am sick myself can be very exhausting! thanks!!

but seriously if we had enough money i would hire a maid!! 

i would always try not to startle my mother by gently touching her shoulder and saying "mom... mom..." until she awoke from her dead sleep that she had fallen into. but no matter how hard i tried she would be startled and nearly, well sometimes, wake my father. (who wasnt as sympathetic to my pathetic childish ways) i would feel so bad for bothering her so late at night, but then again i wouldnt be able to sleep at all the rest of the night if i didnt..... and shes my mom.... that is what she was there for (= after she realized that the shadowy figure hanging over her was her daughter, we would both tip toe out into the living room and snuggle up on the couch and i would tell her "all about it". then she would pray for me and send me to bed. awwww all better now!

i look forward to the days when my children come to me in the middle of the night and want to snuggle and share with me their fears. i cant wait to see their little sad faces hovering over me in bed at night trying to gently wake me. and no matter how tired i am, i will still be so happy to be the one to comfort them!

currently if i have a bad dream i will wake up justin and tell him and he will pray for me.... well he usually is still asleep and will either mumble some nonsense or he will pray for something else unrelated...... but it still comforts me to know he is there and i just end up praying for myself(= thanks anyways honey(=

the first picture below is one i drew in high school. i dont know how old i was exactly, but i wasnt the happiest at that time. (= the second is a little girl i drew about the same time. and the last one is the most recent face that i started to draw in 2003 but never finished it. i drew a picture of my friend chris in 2004 and i cant find that one either, but when i do i will post that one too. maybe i will make a link on the side of this page where i can put them all.

anyways ask me about my drawing in october!!

when i go shopping i agonize over the decision if i should buy something. and then after i purchase it i keep thinking, "is this what i really want?" so when i get home i dont take the tag off and keep it around for a few days or so until i am totally sure that i want to spend my husbands hard earned money on it (=  

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette :

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and

wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell

or you see it sagging to their knees.

______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
________________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where

you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________ ________________________
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't

squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and

demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

she is so goofy and playful, all she wants to do is play play play and then some more playing... oh ya and eating in between. she LOVES to eat! she will not stop unless i take her out of her chair and totally distract her, she just wants more and more even when she is stuffed! just recently she started liking the foods we eat. it is so nice to just make more of what i am eating so that she can have some. but when i am eating things like carrots or granola she doesnt understand that it isnt something she can have. she never seems to want my spinach salad though.. hmmm (=

when i am trying to lay valen down for a nap she will follow me around the house carrying books or toys (noisy ones) and wants me to play with her.. it is so cute, but annoying cuz she is talking really loud and is two steps behind my every move. but he is getting better at falling asleep even though she is talking our ears off, so that is nice!

whenever she falls down (which is a lot) she always wants me to smooch her owie. she will barely stub her toe and then get up on the couch to show me, then she tries to stick it in my face, a little awkward when i am feeding valen but still adorable!

she LOVES changing her clothes! multiple times a day she will bring me something from her dresser drawer and want me to put it on her. she is such a girl (= she also takes her clothes out of her dresser and will sometimes throw them over the gate into the kitchen... that is where we throw her dirty clothes so i think she thinks she is helping.... just helping me have more laundry to wash (=

Valen is sweet and cute in different ways of course. he loves it when i smile at him and talk to him, it makes him giggle and smile back! he loves it when dahlia gets in his face and talks to him, he giggles at her too! she is always touching his face.. pointing out that he has eyes is her favorite thing right now. when she gets excited she will hit him in the head while i am feeding him, sometimes leaving a mark )= but he doesnt usually notice.. well he doesnt cry anyways.

when i hear him wake up at night, sometimes it is a cry but most of the time it is just noises, it is hard to get out of bed, but then when i pick him up... i am so happy! he is so snuggly and precious i just dont seem to mind anymore after i see his cuteness (=

he is 2 1/2 months now and has changed so much from day one. we are so glad to be over the beginning stage! and by the way justin is a WONDERFUL DAD!!! 

when i was about 21 i would use instant messenger a lot to talk with friends and i hated how long it took me to type out a sentence, so i made myself not look at the keys and keep my hands in position... after a few months i was typing 70 words a minute..... but i didnt include apostophes and capital lettering.. oops! so to this day i dont make an effort to capitalize and use apostophes and such... but i was pretty impressed with myself when i was able to type so fast! all that to say i never liked computers or people who were so into them that it consumed their lives!like playing video games for 3 days straight or your best friend being a mouse...... i vowed never to get involved with a guy who had any interest at all... (kind of extreme i know) but i really was serious! so when i was friends with justin i pretty much ruled him out in the beginning because i knew he was interested in that whole business..... but i ended up marrying him anyhow (= and let me tell ya, i know more now than i ever dreamed or cared to know about computer stuff! i have sat in on some of his tech podcasts and actually found myself interested in them.... ahhahahhahaa that is hillarious! he just built a computer and made a tevo thing and told me all about it.... i told him i was at my limit of information about 2 minutes into the conversation, my brain only can process so much unwanted boring data at a time(=

i had a hard time in the beginning of our marriage because of the time he wanted to spend in front of the screen, but i was being unreasonable and just associating being on the computer with stupid boys in my past who had issues... but i also blame my emotional unstability in the beginning on "the pill" and "little italys" (= now i am much healthier and relaxed about all that crap and am glad that i know what i do about computers.

which brings me to one more thought.. it seems that older people seem to have trouble with us younger generation and all of our new ideas and thinking thoughts other than the "traditional". things progress and the old way isnt necessarily the right way... i just dont want to be an old grandma who is so stuck in my generation that i cant grow or learn anything from the youngins and their creative minds, i hope that i can related just a little to my children when they are older and not force old ways onto them...

if that made sense then i am glad, but if not, it is probably because i can barely see straight and it is way past my bedtime!

so i was just about to hop into bed and then i remembered my original thought that prompted me to write this entry in the first place. Elton John said the other day that we should turn off the internet for a few years so people will get out of their houses and talk with people..... now i dont know the context of that comment but i will still comment myself on it. i can understand thinking that the internet causes people to be less interactive and such, but as a mom i find it so useful.  when i have a concern about anything, like odd symptoms my children are having or how to get rid of a cankor sore, i just google it.... so helpful. if i didnt have the internet i would be running to the library all the time or bothering our poor doctor. i also have been doing a lot of shopping online. i dont get much time to go out right now so it makes it a lot easier to just look around and see what is out there before i go to every store. i would rather have a conversation with the sales clerk than ordering something from their website but in my situation it just doesnt happen that way. but i agree that too many people do spend way too much time indoors at their desks. anyways, i seriously need to go to bed! 

Jusitn was gone for almost a week last week on "business" and i was worried about being alone. Mostly the fact that i would be sleeping alone though. but also trying to manage both babies 24/7 was a little stressful to think about. I asked justins sister to come down and stay for a couple days and that was very nice. she kept dahlia happy while i took care of Valen. Dahlia really likes his sister so she didnt mind having her here so much. (she doesnt like just anyone) then my mom was able to come over the next couple nights for a couple hours, what a relief. valen gets fussy in the late evening sometimes and that makes it hard to put dahlia to bed, but he was actually really good. dahlia didnt really seem to be bothered by the fact justin was gone.... she just seemed normal. but about the fourth day I was ready for him to be home, i started missing him very much! but it is either have him gone from 7:30 am till 6:00 pm monday through friday or have him here all the time except for a few weeks a year.... hmmmm... so i am very thankful for the job he has, even though they steal him from me sometimes (=

I have gotten mastitis (breastfeeding infection) twice so far this time around.  that isnt making things any easier )= but i know how to manage it and hopefully can prevent it next time! A lactation nurse from the hospital was very helpful and friendly, i really enjoyed the people at legacy! makes things easier when you feel comfortable with people.

I keep telling justin how disgusting i feel and how i need to get back into shape pronto (not that i was in shape before) but then he says, " you just gave birth 7 weeks ago, no one expects you to be skinny yet"... it feels like valen has been here for a long time and it hasnt even been 2 months yet! nuts! but still, anyone who has had a baby i am sure can relate. i was thinking about joining a gym, but seriously when will i have time for that? i really just want to go swimming! oh how i would love a pool! (but not the expensive upkeep!

and i made myself a dentist appointment! i am so excited! i told the receptionist that i am very sensitive and would like the nicest dentist they have(= she was very sweet and i felt good about the place. i will let you know how it goes monday. 

that is all for now (= 

but i dont hate dentists really, i just dont like how they make me feel. for instance, scraping my teeth with a metal hook is hardly something to look forward to! i cringe just thinking about this. i mean i might just have to request some laughing gas or novacane to get through that whole process(= and also when they give you the novacane... yikes... i didnt know what was actually going on till i was like 19 or 20. i wondered why they would jiggle my cheak and put so much pressure on it..... because they are shooting me up with a gigantic needle thats all!! i am so glad i didnt know that is what they were doing, i would have freaked out!

i am just a little nervous this time because it has been so long, there has got to be some issues in there! i got this coupon in the mail the other day for a local dentist office for $125 cleaning and x-rays and a free teeth whitening. but i am scared to just waltz into some dentist that i dont know, what if he is not sensitive to my needs? what if he doesnt care about emotional women? (= what if he (or she) goes against my wishes and scrapes my teeth! ahhhh i dont know if i will get through this without a tear. am i crazy? does anyone else have this fear!? there has got to be lots of people like me out there..... or am i just a nut case???

I really dont spend much money on makeup and hair products at all. i buy like cheap wet n' wild lip liner and suave shampoo..... i dont use specail soaps or facial stuff and honestly i was my face like once a day, sometimes not at all... that may seem disgusting to some people, but so is not getting a shower for four days(= having two babies does that to a person(= i just dont see the point in spending a lot of money on my looks. or for anything really. but i do like to feel pretty and look presentable to the public (= and my husband of course (= who by the way doesnt even notice when i do my hair or makeup! anyways, i have never been happy with foundation for my face. i have tried just about every kind of liquid makeup on the shelf and hate it. well maybe i just dont like my face and that is why i am never satisfied no matter what i buy. anyhow, i decided to try this new mineral powder called Sheer Cover. it promised that it would make the real me shine through! or my money back! and it was only 30 bucks for a startup kit. now that really seemed like a win win situation to me. so i bought it. and i used it but really didnt see anything great about it. my face felt like it had makeup on it and it didnt cover any of my dark circles or blotchiness... i went to coffee with my sister the other day and asked her, "does my face look different or better to you?" she said, "hmmm, you have dark circles." well thanks! )= (but also i am a little sleep deprived mind you and my circles might be a little more obvious! and maybe it does work for some people but i really have a hard time believing that it is just fabulous for some and not for me. so i canceled my subscription and am on the look out again for something good. i did like that it was a powder though, that was nice. i dont feel like it was a waste of money though since it was only 30 bucks and i got a bunch of other stuff with it that i will use... but i was hoping for that air brushed look (= have any of you tried Bare Minerals?

after i wrote the previous entry valen screamed for three hours. not sure why! he was pretty good today though, just had trouble falling asleep on his own, he wants me to hold him. and it was way too hot to swaddle him so he seems to wake himself up a little easier by whacking himself in the face (= i dont mind holding him, but dahlia talks loudly and wants to sit by me, so he cant really fall asleep when she is poking at him and jabbering on in his ear(= it is cute though!  

things are going rather well... considering (=

dahlia is adjusting great! the first few days she cried a lot, but since then she seems to like him and wants to help. she loves to sit on the couch with me while i feed him and tries to smooch him or hit him. but she thinks she is being nice. when he cries she is concerned... it is very cute! he likes to sleep a lot! during the day he sleeps really well but then about 9 or so he gets gassy i think. screams for about an hour usually. we are going to try some different things starting tomorrow. over the counter remedies. we are just so thankful he doesnt wail all night long! he sleeps a little too well at night! i cant seem to wake him up! which isnt good for my milk supply, he seems to be gaining weight fine, but i just suffer (= so justin and i have pumped the past few night in the middle of the night... not fun! things really could be worse so i am not complaining, believe me we went through a lot of craziness with dahlia so valen is really an angel!!! we are going to the doctor tomorrow so we shall see how much he has gained. justin and i measured him the other day and he already grew an inch!!! crazy!

our house is in shambles and showers are rare, but other than that things are great!

we went to church on sunday. i didnt have time to fix my hair at all... i had the worst bed head, but everyone still was commenting on how well i looked. it was so nappy... seriously i would never have gone out of the house looking like that in the past, but after just having a baby, i just dont care.

well valen is psychoing i better go relieve justin!

as for me, i dont think i will catch up on my sleep for a few months, but that is to be expected. it is so weird having two children now, we are a family of four!! nuts!!! we watched the video last night of the birth. i would cringe last week if i thought about the pain i had experienced but last night i was ready to see it (= i got a little tense but it was cool to see. i am so glad justin filmed it! what a crazy beautiful experience!!!!!!

we did in fact choose a name for him, it is Valen Jude... Valen with a long A sound.... like as in kale or male..... he has his own blog now too! the only problem with him so far is he woke up every two hours last night to eat, and during the day he wants to go 3 or 4... so he has his days and nights mixed up but that will change i am sure. i dont mind getting up to feed him, it just takes a few minutes to wake up. he is so sweet though! doesnt cry much at all!! hopefully he will stay that way!

i got absolutely no sleep last night and today only about an hour nap, but he is adorable and wonderful and so sweet and i dont mind so much(=  

we will go home sunday morning and i cant wait to sleep in my bed on my back! woohoo!!

We're waiting till tomorrow to officially name him. Both Gwen and him are finally taking naps. Gwen didn't have any ripping and other than being very sore and tired, there are no problems.

He was born at 10:34 PM on June 1st 2007. One day shy of Dahlia's 17 month birthday.

And the number you've all been waiting for... he weighed 7lbs 15oz. Dahlia was 6 4 so he definitely seems bigger.

 Just after he came out, note the umbilical cord in the bottom right.

we will keep updating as there is news to share!

keep the prayers coming! (=

i have been having contractions every night, and they usually start out close together but then get further apart and then just stop.... so annoying. he keeps getting our hopes up and then just dashes them in an instant! 

tomorrow morning at 10 am we will go to the hospital for testing the baby and the placenta and such. maybe just being at the hospital will put me in labor! but we will find out if everything is ok to wait a little longer. or if inducing is necessary. really dont want to be given a drug to get labor going, so pray it doesnt have to be that way! thanks so much for all your prayers! we are hangin in there and are very excited to show off our precious new baby!!

anyways, yesterday i was having contractions all day about every 10 -20 minutes, nothing intense though and they didnt get closer together or stronger, so that only means pre-labor )= then today nothing! i went to the doctor though and that was encouraging. i really recommend this midwifery if any of you will be giving birth. they are wonderful!!! it is called Pacific Midwifery... a much better experience than my previous doctors office. anyways, one of the midwives told me a couple things that we can try if he doesnt come out soon.... and we will get on that sunday at the latest!

I am so glad that he didnt decide to come early, dahlia and i have had such a wonderful time this past month... i am really glad i was able to have this time with her before he gets here. things are going to be so different, but i think she will do good.

I am not any bigger but i thought i would still post a picture anyhow. and dont worry about us not informing everyone when we do go into labor, we will definitely put that info up on here when we go to the hospital, and probably send out an email when he actually comes and lots of pictures of course! (=

anyways, i am 38 weeks now... which is two weeks past dahlia's birth date. so i feel like i am overdue. but i am far from that! i really hope he decides to come this weekend, but if he doesnt we will survive of course, but it would be nice(= i put the front view of my belly so that you can see how much he sticks straight out! from the side it is hard to notice that. i am definitely bigger than my 36 week picture and i sure feel it too.

we still dont have a name picked out for sure, we like valen jude still though, we will probably just wait till we see him and then hopefully make a decision, either way we have some time left once he comes. the good news is if he is a girl, we are all set for a girl name. We love the name Nova Scarlet. 

i had a few contractions the other night, nothing painful or anything. i think he thinks he is in a pin ball machine.... he is bouncing off the walls non stop!!! it is fun to watch but pretty uncomfortable!

so today i am desperate for a quick fix and what do i get in the mail..... a coupon for great clips for a 6.99 hair cut. now honestly their haircuts arent worth a penny more so i certainly wouldnt have gone there this time if it werent for that coupon. so i brace myself and prepare for the worst. i walk in and there are 3 ladies working... two of them are asians and i recognize one of them as being the one who butchered me last time and could not understand one word of english. so i will let you guess who called my name.... yep the lady who doesnt speak english. ok now first of all, how can you be a stylist if you cant understand what people are saying? it really is mind boggling that she has that job. and of course i have nothing against foreigners at all! but when i am paying for something i expect to be able to communicate with them. anyways, so my mind is going crazy thinking that i should let someone else go ahead of me and take the next stylist, but then i didnt want to look snobby or something and hurt her feelings.... but then again it is my hair and if i am not going to leave happy then i am just going to leave now..... or maybe i will just explain it really well to her and everything will be fine.....

so i start to tell her what i want and she looked at me funny, kinda confused and stuttered... then she looked at the stylist next to her and she briefly explained what i was saying... but not very well either. so i kept gesturing how i wanted it to look hoping that was a language she understood, and she seemed to understand. but when she started cutting i could tell it wasnt going to look like i wanted. but i thought ya know, i have had so many hair cuts that have been terrible that one more wont kill me, i really just want it off my neck anyways, so whatever... but then i got annoyed at myself thinking, why would i even let her cut my hair at all... that is silly. i should have waited for someone who was more experienced. furthermore i should have just paid the extra money and gone somewhere nice.

why do i keep doing this to myself???? i know it is just hair, but it seems a little insane to keep going back if i am always unhappy! the definition of insanity is "doing something over and over again expecting different results"

This is our latest name we have thought of..... Valin Jude.... any thoughts? do you think that the meaning of a name is really important? i mean of course if something meant death, i wouldnt want my child to be named that, but how important is the meaning when picking out a name to you? if you have any thoughts i would like to know. (=

By the way Valin means "monkey king" (= if you spell it Valen it means "strong" ....justin was pretty excited about the monkey king thing (=

some cramping and little contractions but nothing to be alarmed about. phew~ we are relieved. If he would have been born right now he would probably only weigh 4 lbs, that is a little scary.

We think Gwen's water broke, which doesn't necessarily mean labor, but it's a good indicator.

We're going to go to the hospital now and see what happens.

I'd say we'd update from the hospital but the laptop is out for repairs. I'll try to post again when I can!

so the moral of the story is, always take your cell phone.... and always bring your wallet with your license and money(= many troubles will be avoided (=

getting prepared for it that day was kinda crazy. we had all three of our kids running around the house. and our blockade had to be taken down because of the tables we brought in. so they kept coming into the kitchen, let's just say i got a little stressed out (= but everything turned out great and everyone had fun. I can't wait to do another one soon!

still not sure about a name yet. but we have been wanting to tell people our idea and see what kind of reactions we get. we definitely don't want a common name, but also don't want something too crazy. so the two names we have been tossing around are Nile and Zeven. we have been calling him both names at different times, just so we can get used them and see which one feels right. or maybe neither. at least we know we can still take our baby home from the hospital, even if we don't have a name yet..... crazy but true.

• three bedrooms
• two bathrooms
• fenced backyard
• vaulted ceilings
• large kitchen
• two car garage
• walk in closet!
• computer nook

Dahlia was super fussy though since she just got her shots.. well it could have been from her tooth coming in too... but for whatever reason she wasnt happy most of the time. but i was in a good place to have a fussy baby... mommies everywhere! i guess there was one boy there... Jerika's baby Jonas. (my sister) but he fit right in with all the other cute babies just fine. he added a little testosterone to the bunch to keep us just under control (=

on the way home, I decided to take a different route than I have before. mainly since the sun would have been in Dahlia's eyes and she needed to fall asleep. so i headed out into the woods on some back roads and somewhere took a wrong turn.... i ended up making a big loop practically back to where i started... but oh well dahlia was snoozing by then so it worked out. taking her places when the sun is out is frustrating... i cover one of the windows, whichever side will most like be in the sun, but when we turn the sun goes in her eyes from the back or the other side window.... so i am constantly reaching back there and adjusting her viser thingy..... what do other people do? i cant cover all of the windows or i will drive like a maniac and ram someone! she hates the sun in her eyes and will not sleep when it is. sometimes i wont turn at all if she really needs to keep sleeping, ill just drive for a while.... its actually really nice... peace and quiet and time to think... i do my best thinking and praying on the road! too bad gas is so expensive, it seems a bit wasteful just for a little peace and quiet )= we were going to pick up some baby sunglasses today at target, but neither justin nor I could remember what in the tarnation it was we needed!but i am getting some tomorrow. hopefully they dont turn into a chew toy...or better yet we could get her some goggles.. that would work so much better!!

    We finally got around to plugging Dahlia into the matrix today... no wait, that isn't right...

Dahlia has a fair amount of Jaundice, which is totally normal, esp. for  little babies.  So we put this pad on her that has fiber optic lights that help her with that. She should be fine in a few days. We're just glad that we don't have to leave her in the hospital for treatment, even a few years ago we would have had to do that.

 Other than that we're doing ok. Not sleeping much, but we're still excited about her. Our friends and family have been a big help to us and our sanity. Justin will be going back to work early this week so Jacquelyn will be a little more stressed, but we're getting things down ok.

    there are more things we could mention but this list is getting long and im sure most people have stopped reading it by now. nonetheless, God is good.

then she was over at our house last weekend and she prayed for the baby.... check out this little clip...
prayingfordahlia (11mb)
she has a hard time saying her f's and s's. if you cant understand her, she is saying,
Father, will you touch the baby in Jesus name amen.

the insurance company wasnt able to pay us for the items that were in the car so we were kinda excited that we might still get them now. so long story short....

the insurance company was going to pick up the car today from the towing place... and if i wanted the stuff in the trunk (if its still there) then we had to rush over there before they got there to take it to an auction. so we got there just in time. and everything was still in the car. apparantly the thieves dont like baby toys..... so we got paid for the car and still got all our belongings back! woohooo!!!!

it was nice to say goodbye one last time to good old betsy..... she was a good car ... when she didnt run away.... i hope this doesnt reflect our parenting habits..... we did also kill our one and only plant recently so things arent looking so good for the baby.....

We are moving out next weekend (20-21). The site should be up again within a few days of that.

Cheers.

i just got a temporary job for a couple months doing assistant bookkeeping. i started on monday. and no matter what people say.... you dont get used to it after a while!! i am so drained all day long and have no energy for anything afterwards! im sure partly why i am so drained is because this type of work isnt necessarily my strengths! if any of you read my previous blog about jobs i like.... then you would know that i would rather not sit at a desk all day... i would rather not look at numbers all day... i would rather be talking to people all day..... and this job is exactly that. so it takes a little more out of me than some jobs. but its good for now and its what i need.

i remember back in california at school i had to be at the gym by 5:30.. (almost puking during karake class!) ... so i had to be up before 5am..... and that was in the winter so it was definately dark still... i did that for 5 months and it was just as hard every day! then we would go to school at like 7:30 or something..... everyday i either nearly fell asleep or i actually did! its just not meant to be! maybe some people like it feeling like crap all day long and dont mind feeling like you have a hangover.... and maybe some poeple just dont have as much trouble as me but as for me i would be in heaven if i had a job from 10-7 or something!!!

ok ok now dont think that i have forgotten what little babies do at 4am... i know they cry and that i will have to jump out of bed and nurture and feed my little bambino... but that is totally different!!! its a different kind of work.... i was just talking to my friend shekinah and we were saying that husbands have to work their whole lives while the wife doesnt necessarily have to.... but even though we have work of our own on the homefront that is hard.... its a different kind of hard.... and i would rather have "homefront hard" that is involving my children, than slaving at some job that you really dont believe in anyways... not that you cant get a job that you believe in... anyways.... i have rambled enough (=

all in all, I COULD NEVER WORK AT STARBUCKS!

Car...Still missing

Place to live...Found

Job for Justin...Still missing

Job for Gwen...Three days completed

Baby...Good

Baby related sickness...much better

Mariners...Losing

Stomach...Hungry

when i decided to live for God at about age 21 i thought that all my problems were going to go away... but they didnt. i think that God wanted to see if i would believe in him in the hard times and not just the times where i was happy... that is too easy to love someone when things are going well... kinda like a marriage. God doesnt just make your life all peaches and cream, that wouldnt make sense if he did. trials and tough times is what makes you strong and builds character.

there were constant battles at every turn it seemed. my lonliness was still there but so was God. i had to trust him anyways, even when i still was hurting. but hanging in there these past few years has been so worth it... if i would have given up i would have been going backwards and then it would have taken longer to go forwards again.... i had to trust God even when it didnt make sense. and now it makes sense. so i guess all i am saying is that you dont necessarily see what is going on at the time it is happening ... so if i just remember that from now on it makes for a lot less resistance on my part with God.

so i was at the lloyd center in portland today. i parked in front of sears for about 20 minutes while i mosied around..... when i came out to get into my car..... IT WASNT THERE!!! is this not the most outlandish thing you have ever heard !???!

i thought for a moment that i was actually going crazy or maybe having an out of body experience or something.... i walked around the parking lot just in case..... but it was really gone... yes this is the 4th time in one year~!!

first of all there is nothing in my car at all.... well two badminton rackets and a bag of trash and a baby toy in the trunk..... maybe soemone just needed a ride and didnt want to take the max... maybe they were low on cash.... maybe they thought it was there car.... or maybe they are just retarded... whatever the reason i am praying even harder than before that they dont bring it back, i mean its a good car and all but if someone really likes it that much .. just keep it!!!

i am sure you are wondering why we dont buy a club... well we were planning on it when we got some money... and maybe you are wondering why we dont sell it? well.... would you want to buy a car that has been stolen 4 times?

since the first week of pregnancy i have been nauseas!! pretty much all the symptoms they speak of in all those books! constipation... cravings... smell sensitive.... motion sickness (in cars) trouble sleeping.. but not very moody or emotional... well except the other day i started crying when i normally wouldnt have. things seem to pile up faster and it can be too much all at one time... especially figuring out what to wear... i know that sounds ridiculous!!! but i hear its not crazy while you are pregnant. im just so uncomfortable that i cant wear half my clothes now so it makes it hard to get dressed (=

...so we dont know what sex the baby is until about 18 weeks... i dont really care if it is a boy or a girl... a girl would be fun of course...and no not to dress up in pink frills and lace but just because i am a girl and could relate better i am sure. but id like a boy first so that he can take care of his other siblings when they get older. my brother was older than me and my sister and i really liked that idea. also we dont want to space them out too far in age. my siblings are all 1 year apart and it was great growing up... we always had someone to play with. and then in highschool me and my sister hung out with the same friends. justins siblings are about 4 years apart... that was a little much he thinks. so 2 or 3 at the most... but im sure we will have to reconsider once we see what type of a child the first one will be. if its calm and easy going then, another one in 2 years wouldnt be so bad. but if its anything like justin as a child.... we might just tie the tubes and call the whole thing off!!!

We are now planning to use electro-shock protection to ward off would-be thieves. But seriously we are getting a club. And not the kind you are thinking either. Rather it's the kind you use when you hide in the back seat to surprise them.

All in all, it could have been much worse. So we are happy clams.

Until next time... help control the pet population, have your pet spayed or neutered...

we had a super view!!!! and it gets better... the weather was awesome too!!! blue skies and sunshine and about 75 i think. we just chilled with the fam, ate ice cream, played some pinnochle.... went shopping... oh yes and went to taco time! there is this interesting little restaurant there... it is a taco time, a smoothie shop and a terriyaki place all in one.... furthermore there is a door leading to a starbucks too! its crazy! we got crisp bean burritoes all around!

justin mentioned in his blog about the tsunami... it was funny... this one guy was so freaked out! he was like yelling "save yourselves!!" as he was leaving... ok not really but when i heard the story i imagined him saying that (= some people were sitting on the beach in lawn chairs waiting for the wave to come.... suposedly there was an evacuation notice but we were too busy eating ice cream at COLD STONE!! but i didnt have any because of my condition(=

on another note... i used to be such a good speller until i married justin... i think he is confusing me... so if there are mispelled words i am sorry... just blame it on justin(=

and yes we have insurance! in case you are wondering... that seems to be everyones first concern... and rightly so!

due to this wonderful news i have been feeling sick most days. for the past 3 weeks or so i havent really had morning sickness but just all day sickness. queeziness off and on all day long. supposedly it is supposed to go away around the beginning of the second trimester... woohoo!! but right now i am not working so that is good. im possibly getting a job starting august 1st as a bookkeeping assistant. its only for four months which is perfect since the baby is coming shortly after that!!!!

oh by the way i am not going to be nannying. the lady who was hiring me called last week and said unfortunately she wasnt able to get the funding she usually does for the summer so she couldnt afford me. which at first sounded like a bummer, but also a blessing. it was just getting too hard to do much of anythign during the day without getting sick. so this is better!! God always provides!!

P.S. There are no pictures because my camera met an untimely demise.

(I used to work there about 3 years ago, for about 3 1/2 years. I quit when I decided to go to Multnomah Bible College. )

Over the past few months I had thought about working in retail, but nothing sounded pleasant. TJ Maxx was the only place I would really consider. So I filled out an application. It was a part-time position and id be working nights and some weekends...

The following weekend Justin was graduating from college. While on campus earlier that day I saw a job board. One of them seemed interesting to me. One was a nanny position for a 13 yr old girl for the summer. Sunday afternoon I gave her a call. She was very nice and seemed interested to meet me. So I went over there that evening. We chatted for about 20 minutes... we happened to know some of the same people! Anyways, I left feeling pretty excited about it. It would be great to be-friend a young teenager and take her places all summer. It would be Mon - Fri 8am till 4pm. That is the perfect schedule!!!

So Monday I heard back from TJ Maxx. They wanted to interview me on Tuesday. I definitely went and had an enjoyable conversation with one of the managers. I voiced my only concerns about the job to her. I wasn't going to be able to work Sundays, or Saturday night or Monday or Friday nights. But she didn't think that would be a problem. So they offered me the job.

Meanwhile, Justin and I were praying about everything. Whichever job would be best for us right now and such. The next day, the lady about the nanny position called and offered me that job. I took it. Its definitely better hours and I would love to take care of this girl for the summer! So as of June 16 I will be employed. (=

So for the next month I will be brushing up on my math skills, and thinking of things the girl and I can do together. This should be a good summer!

Today is may 9th 2005. yesterday was mothers day and last week was my birthday! I turned 26.. and it was funny because when I turned 25 I had a really hard time. I felt like oh my goodness I am almost 30! And furthermore I am not married and have no idea what I am going to do with my life! So it took a little while to adjust to that, but when I turned 26 it was really no big deal. I felt like "oh, ok... im married now and I don't feel as old and confused about life anymore, so this is not so bad turning 26." Anyways, we had a little party at our apt this weekend. Our apt is super small but we leaned the bed against the wall and rearranged the furniture a little and there is a lot more room!!!!it is much better in here!!!

By the way... hummus is like my favorite food! I haven't had it in a while and then my friend Stacey Barlow brought it to my party. You have to try it, it is so good!

So yesterday on mothers day we were all at my sisters house about ready to eat dessert and my brother in law calls to talk to my mother... now that might not sound strange to you but for him it wasn't normal.. my mom came back into the room acting funny and when she told me the news I screamed!!! Turns out that my sister Jerika is having a BABY!!! Woohoo!! I am super happy but a little sad that I cant have one with her! Her little Lillian is almost 3 and will be a big helper!