I think this process really began right after Augustine died and everybody kept telling me how strong and amazing I was. I really was encouraged to hear how encouraging I was for many of you. But at the same time I found myself thinking that I was only going to disappoint everyone. This pushed me into a pursuit of truth and humility.

Life is not about making a name for myself or trying to come across a little better than I am. The fact is that we are all failures, we will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean we are worthless. Our worth doesn't come from what we do or what we try to prove. We simply are worth something because we are made in God's image and he loves us. I have been soaking that in for the past couple months and it has had a huge impact on my life! So much so that I decided to shave my head.

Honestly I had tossed this idea around years ago except mostly for shock effect or something unredeemable. But a month or so ago I was driving alone in our car and I started crying hard. Singing your heart out freely is so inspiring! I nearly rushed right home with the ambition to buzz it off. But I didn't. (I tend to get excited about things and then shortly after I will completely change my mind) So I waited. Waited about three weeks untill I thought I was going to burst! Called up my good friend Maddie and asked her to do the honors. It was the best feeling in the world! Freedom. Freedom from the voices in my head, freedom from who I used to be, freedom from guilt, shame and fear of man...I could go on. There are so many things I feel that this represents.

The truth is that I cannot control how others see me. People are always going to perceive me other than I intended. Somebody is not going to understand me. And you know what? I am finally OK with that. My purpose in this life is not to convince others how wonderful or talented or beautiful I think I am, but to act justly, love mercy and to walk humbly before our God. I think the more I live with pleasing God in mind, the more freedom I experience. My hairless head is a constant reminder that I will always be perceived wrong by someone and that I should just give up trying to make everyone understand. Why live all for naught?

And ya know, I feel more beautiful than ever. Hair is such a big part of feeling beautiful and feminine for many people, but somehow I am able to embrace who I truly am. Hair or not. I feel refreshed!!

Maybe you should try it?! (:

Some great quotes from A.W.Tozer's book The Pursuit of God.

"The world will never see me as God does and I have stopped caring."

"Artificiality is a curse that will drop away the moment we kneel at Jesus' feet and surrender ourselves to his meekness. Then we will not care what people think of us so long as God is pleased."

Dahlia asked so many questions after I had told her what had happened... losing two special people in your life at the age of 4 seems so crazy! She is excited though that Samantha is playing with Augustine right now. That is a happy thought for her.

We are all grieving this sad loss and are feeling many similar emotions we felt last year. we Love Nicole so dearly and pray for her heart and soul to be comforted.

Valen loves tomatoes!

Ummmm... Adorable!

Dahlia likes to organize. She definitely isn't a neat freak or anything, but when it's time to organize she is all over it.

Dahlia loves her little brother!

Dahlia doing her two favorite things: coloring and posing.

 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
       he LEADS me beside quiet waters,

 3 he RESTORES my soul.
       He GUIDES me in paths of righteousness
       for his name's sake.

 4 Even though I walk
       through the VALLEY of the shadow of death, [a]
       I will FEAR NO evil,
       for you are with me;
       your rod and your staff,
       they COMFORT me.

PSALM 139:8

if I make my bed in the DEPTHS, you are there.

 9 If I RISE on the wings of the dawn,
       if I SETTLE on the far side of the sea,

 10 even there your hand will GUIDE me,
       your right hand will HOLD me fast.

I had been wanting to make a dress for Dahlia. Easter was coming up so I made that my deadline. She picked out the colors and I kept the design simple so I wouldn't get overwhelmed. She was so adorable and proud to tell everyone all about it.

We have this book Bent Objects, (which I highly reccommend) that Dahlia and Valen love to look at together. Here Dahlia is explaining the pictures to him. She really has no idea why they are funny, but trys really hard to. The next time you come over to our house, you should check it out.

Valen is really into puzzles lately. He has an eye for matching things. We got this one in the mail today and he had no problem figuring it out.So proud of him!

I asked Valen what he wanted for dinner the other night and he responded with "salad". He is the funniest guy. What kind of a two year old likes spinach!!? Whenever Justin and I have salad and don't put any on his plate, he usually ends up eating half of it... can't complain! (:

Valen loves playing baseball.. even though he rarely hits the ball, he still has the best time. and every time he swings he twirls around and plops down on the ground, so cute! (:

chairs are so much more fun upside down of course.

early morning veggie tales while mommy sleeps in.

late halloween costume... a bit small but so stinking cute! he loves running around in it, especially the gloves!

I am feeling more content with my life than ever. That has always been a struggle for me since having children and what a relief it is to be able to enjoy every moment of every day. (ok mostly) These two children overwhelm me with their amazing personalities and hillarious sense of humor. It is a blessing to be their mother! I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined myelf saying something like that ten years ago! but it's true. life is beautiful and thankfully I am not the same as I was ten years ago!

I took dahlia to the park today before we went to get her stitches out... trying to ease the stress of that. she had so much fun going on the BIG slide! 

eating, reading books and doing puzzles are his favorites right now. and of course watching daddy play the wii. (: he likes to choose what games he will play. just about after every meal he will say " let's play a game, let's play a game!" and every time we always respond with "not right after we eat valen, how bout in a little bit?" and the he loses it! arching back, fists on the floor, whining..... i guess he has a really bad memory.

speaking of throwing fits. we are getting through the 2's fairly calmly. I would say he throws more fits than dahlia did, but not as many as some! if we can be strong and not give in, he stops. and if he doesn't we simply put him in time out in his crib until he can calm down and that works very fast. I have only spanked him probably two times ever and it doesnt seem as needed like with dahlia. time outs work just fine for him and i am so glad!

well that is enough for now. basically he is the most adorable precious little boy I ever could have dreamed up, he is so special and life is just hillarious with him in it!!

we were hoping for a tragedy free year, but i guess we are starting off pretty rocky... i suppose we shouldnt cancel our health insurance just quite yet!

since this all happened dahlia has barely uttered a word about any discomfort. amazingly we have been able to wash it and comb her hair and she doesnt mind. so glad this injury didnt involve a literal arm or leg, that would actually be very tragic.

after it all happened, i was sitting there noticing for the first time just how many pointed edges there are in a home! who's idea was that!