First of all, My counselor's wife works there. I had never met her before and was thrilled when he told me she was working as a radiaton therapist at the same office. Not only does she work there, but she actually was taking care of me! She is a very sweet woman and it just warmed my heart to know she would be there every day! 

Second, I have been buying coffee for about a year from a local roaster Lou. Justin had met him when we first moved to town but hadn't connected with him until I began ordering his coffee. When he would bring coffee to our house we would chat sometimes and he was here when I found out the news of my cancer. Anyways, his wife works at the radiation clinic too!! She took care of me the first day I went in! She is also one of the loveliest people I have ever met and I was extremely blessed to have here there! 

Third, most of you know that getting into the building to see the doctor or go through #@#$ was torture for me before. Even with Xanax it was awful. Well the radiaiton office is in the same building as the #@#$ and it doesn't bother me one bit! I do not get any anxiety like before when I step foot through the doors. 

I have also met several women who love Jesus there. So awesome. And all of the ladies who take care of me during my appointments are wonderful. I actually enjoy coming in to see them. It will be sad to not get to seem them anymore after tuesday.

I am so thankful to God for putting all of these people into my life during this season! God takes care of me no matter how unfair it is. All the blessings and beautiful things that have come out of this mess bring tears to my eyes. Me, in all my flaws and issues, in all my sin and shame, in no way deserve God to be dumping buckets of love and encouragement down on my head. how dare him. (: He's gone too far! 

I really am so overwhelmed by my life. Really I am. Thank you God for loving me just like you say you do!!

The scenario of Groundhog Day would be so creepy! Enough to drive anyone insane! or push them into being a better person I suppose. (: 

Speaking of Groundhog Day... Every day I drive Dahlia to school and then head to my Radiation appointment I feel a bit like I might be in a really boring movie. I walk in through the front door, smile and say "hello". The receptionist slaps a giant grin across her face and nods to signal me to head on back. I pick out a locker and gown, continue to change my clothing and then sit in the waiting room with the same patients each day~ Then one of the Radiation Techs wearing a white lab coat comes and takes me back to a room where I state my name and birthday. Then I lay down on this table which is followed by some markings and a machine making noises and moving all by itself! Everything looks exactly the same, everyone looks exactly the same, it all happens at exactly the same time everyday! I get de sua vu all the time! (:

Well I know that this groundhog day nightmare will be ending by the end of next week. Happy Happy about that. Feeling fine other than some skin irritation. Treatments will be over with by my birthday I am planning to celebrate!! 

We are still looking at houses to buy. Nothing too exciting yet. The favorites are either out of our price range or WAY out of our price range. (: We aren't in a rush though so we can just wait it out. This really would be a good time to change things up, we need a fresh start after the past few years of events. 

Forgive them anyway. 

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway. 

If you are honest, people may cheat you.

Be honest anyway. 

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.

Be happy anyway. 

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway. 

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.

Give your best anyway. 

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” 
― Mother Teresa

Just today we came across this house that looks like it was made for us. A little out of our price range, but seriously I am willing to get a job or sell all I own! (which isn't much) Just look at the color? Who loves orange more than I do? Who paints their house orange? Furthermore, everything about it on the inside is exactly what we would want. Not exagerating!! Not only does this house look just like our dream house it is in the exact location we were dreaming... Someone did it just for us! It will be a miracle if we get this house, but dreams sometimes come true, even this side of the rainbow!

What God really wants is for us to be “strong in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:10). And becoming strong in the Lord almost always requires that God weaken us. For it’s when our weakness forces us to depend on his strength that we grow in our understanding of the gospel and learn to walk by faith. And usually our deepest, most precious encounters with God occur in the context of our weaknesses, not our strengths.

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/dont-focus-on-your-strengths

I am keeping myself busy this week but not too busy. I am learning to meet my own needs and not expect others to do it for me. While Justin is away I have to make sure I have other fellowship daily or I just might pull my hair out! ():  really truly I have got to make connections or it just isn't pretty. Missing all my far away friends! Why do people have to get married and move! (:

On another thought, been eyeing some fun eye glass frames online and if I can get someone to measure my pupillary distance I shall order me some cuteness. Cat-eye and all!

Getting in touch with my creativity is something I am seeing very important. I do things here and there that involve the right brain, but I really would like to be a part of something specific. Pursue what really makes me tick. I love so many things so it is hard to find just one to invest my time and effort into, but I hope to do that at least for a couple months. Looking forward to the Olympia Arts Walk where I can display something that just pours out of my heart. Just when I think I narrowed it down I change my mind AGAIN! Any ideas from personal experience about pursuing your talents passionate people!?

I can honestly say that I will miss my bald head. When in my life will I ever be completely hairless? Never have I felt so beautiful and hopeful. God is obviously the strength that I need. 

God is still carrying us through this junk and I am not wishing it away. He knows better than I do and I certainly don't know anything. Give thanks in ALL things! 

To live is Christ, to die is gain... is it not?  

Our friend Venessa whom we haven't seen for several years came to visit us all the way from Arizona! It was so good to see her! It is always good to see old friends who knew you the way you were before and now to talk about growth and life and God and be honest about stuff. loved it! I miss that about being single/no kids. You could spend hours with a friend and get to know them in a short time. Now it seems to take years to develop good friendships. I miss sleepovers! (: Speaking of sleepovers, I am visiting my friend Shekinah who I have known my whole life next week. A sleepover is in the near future! woohoo! On that same trip I am visiting with my grandmother and her sister who both have had breast cancer. They are the sweetest and they haven't seen our kids in years! It will be a great week!

On another note, my hair is growing back! By my birthday I should have a whole new head of hair! It is amazing how much warmer a little hair makes you!

Dr Fay is the best and I am so happy we worked with her! I felt so comfortable being in her hands and her capable team. She said everything went so smooth and she was extremely happy with the results. I went in to see her today and recovery is going great too. Even from the first day I didn't have much blood loss at all. During the surgery they said I only lost 5cc's! 25 cc's is very low for the surgery so we were shocked when she said that! We even got the drains out earlier than expected because I had hardly any blood loss continued through this week. It was so minimal almost ridiculous. Very thankful for that!

We had a few inches of snow on the ground going into Tuesday night. Overnight we got an additional 14 inches which was a record for a one day total. When morning came the snow changed into frozen rain and coated everything with a layer of ice. The snow up on tree branches froze in place.

As this continued on into the evening, branches and trees started dropping all over the place. Our yard went from this scene on Wednesday:

 To this on Thursday:

It's hard to tell in this picture but there are two power lines (maybe cable lines?) being pulled down about to the limits by the tree on the left. Fortunately it hasn't been very windy or things could have been much worse.

We survived well since we had hot water and a nice fireplace with plenty of wood. It was a little eerie going into the grocery store only on auxiliary power and most of the store in the dark. I've never seen the power off in Olympia for more than a day so we could have been a little more prepared but we got by ok.

After the first day it started to get a bit tiresome until we started thinking of it more as an unplanned camping trip. A trip that could suddenly end at any moment and magically transport us back to our house. So as vacations go it was pretty great. No travel time, no need to pack, a comforable place to stay, and a grocery store a four minute walk away. 

I'm ranking this storm above the snow storm we had three years ago even though we got a lot more snow and it lasted for a long time, we never lost power then. I'm also putting it ahead of the inaugural day storm in 1993. That storm had the freezing rain coating everything and had high winds, but most power was recovered quickly as there was no snow to contend with. In that storm we only lost power for for less than 12 hours. This one was also a little worse in that the ice was not anticipated. The large snow fall was expected but no one was talking about the freezing rain until it came.

I'm sure my Grandparents will rank the blizzard of 1950 above this one though, which probably would merit the top spot on it's own but my Mom was also born in the middle of it (Happy Birthday Mom!).

What's the craziest storm you've endured?

I had fun with my friends eating cupcakes. 

I like my school friends, I am so excited almost everyone came!

We like to hug each other!!!

I like princesses because they are pretty pretty pretty! I dressed up like Cinderella Cinderella!!

My friend Skyllar!!

 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Still physically feeling great! Actually feeling quite normal. I am remembering though that the normal before #@$% wasn't all that good. (: HOWEVER, much better than during #@$%! No icky nausea which is the worst. 

Today we are getting ready to have a little party at a local cupcake shop with Dahlia's friends from school. Celebrating her 6th birthday! Pictures to come soon! 

A History of Recharchable Batteries

When I was a kid we had NiCad batteries, they didn't hold their charges all that long and even when fully charged, they didn't have as much power as the standard alkalines. In the mid-ninties with the advent of NiMH recharchables they fell out of favor. The NiMH batteries contained as much power as alkalines, but they would loose their charges completely after a few weeks. These were great for high drain devices such as cameras and CD players but were poor choices for low drain items such as clocks or remotes or anything where you'd typically not have to change the batteries after two weeks.

And Then Out of Nowhere

Only a few years ago the folks at Sanyo came out with a 'low self-discharge NiMH battery' under the brand Enloop. They have good capacity and can hold their charges for a couple of years.  I've been using them for a couple of years and I've been very pleased. For a while Enloops were the batteries in this class. Now there are similar offerings from Duracell and Rayovac.

Bottom Line

If you're buying batteries, look for recharchables branded as 'Pre-Charged' or 'Low Self-Discharge' and you'll be set. They will work with any NiMH charger you may already have. You can pick them up form Amazon and I've found them at Costco over the last month. Costco seems to only stock them around Christmas time but that may be different for you. They usually run about $2 - $2.50 per battery. They are only found in AA or AAA form factor at this point. You can buy some adapters where you essentuially just put a a AA battery inside of a case for a C or D battery.

First of all, from now on no one is allowed to say the word that rhymes with shemo(don't even say that either!) !! This will be my code word for it #@$%!! Seriously folks, I don't want to think about it, talk about it, smell about it or even imagine the doctor's face ever again! I am so tired of being nauseas and those things bring it on. gross. 

It has taken me a bit longer this time around to recover from #@$%. I have been so exhausted and nauseas until yesterday. Just in time for Christmas break! I refused my next #@$% appointment and am giving myself some vacation! I need a vacation and I don't care what the doctor says!

I went in for a mammogram yesterday hoping to see some progress. Unfortunately the doctor ordered the wrong test and the radiologist said he couldn't really see much. I need to have an ultrasound or an MRI to really see the details of what is going on in there. All I really wanted to know was if behind the chest wall improved. But honestly there is no way to know if that spot is cancerous (unless it disappears) all they know is that there is something there that looked suspicious. That is the only reason I agreed to do #@$% in the first place. I was all set for a mastectomy to get it all out of there, but with this little unknown spot sitting there we felt we had no other choice. I admit, I was extremely frustrated with my oncologist yesterday when I heard the radiologist tell me this test wasn't helping anything. I didn't quite feel like myself. I wanted to rush over to the doctors office and punch the doctor in the nose for ruining my life! There was lots of tears and frustration and fear. Took me a few hours to calm down, and obviously he isn't single-handedly ruining my life, but it sure felt that way in the moment. I know that all I can do is surrender this whole cancer thing to God and not try to hold too tightly to my own plans in life. It doesn't help anything or anyone to worry about the future! I keep telling myself that! He says he will walk with me through this all and I know he is, but some days it hurts real bad and I just want it to be over. 

I know God can and does heal. He is capable and able and my life is not in my own hands. He works in all things even if he chooses not to heal me.  Please pray for his will to be done. Please pray for peace of mind in the decision making. Please pray for a miracle. Pray that he gives me the strength and hope to learn from whatever is thrown at me. Pray for patience and peace! Pray for everything! (:

Photography by LCS Photography

I know what you're all asking though, what language is this writen in??? I'm still using MonkCMS for our backend but I rewrote the front end site in Node.js. I'm also using Redis for caching. Node.js can be pretty challenging at times as it really makes you think about what you are doing, but it offers some pretty steller performance. There are some pages that used to take six seconds to come up pre-cached that now come up in a second. I think I've worked out the kinks, but please drop me a line if you see anything out of place.

I go in the morning for the last treatment of this specific drug. I know you all are praying, but please pray for a perfect infusion. Last time I had an infection in my vein. Somehow it leaked. I am feeling a little anxious about it all tomorrow. I know it will be ok, but just being in that building just makes me squirm! I've gotta take two xanax to just keep me in the chair! (: 

We figured out the right formula for taking care of the nausea last time, so that is a HUGE relief! Just got to get through tomorrow and I will be ok!! 

Losing my hair hasn't been so bad either. Besides clogging the drain... I feel so fresh and cute. (: I will post a photo once it is completely gone. Still a few stubborn spots that won't fall out! Hair was such a bother anyhow. Kind of nice to have a change!

 It was nice to actually eat three entire meals today! Yum! 

Trusting God doesnt mean I won't let some tears fall. They are here, they came with the rain clouds. The pain was just too much to bare, I had to let it down. I am not alone, don't worry, I know that for sure, I am not safe but I am saved. not because of what I have done or what i can possibly do or could think to do. However, I am His. No matter what I may go through, I know where forever will land. Jesus holds me tighter every day, he gently holds me so that I can stand. There may be pain, but he never lets go. Never. Its hard. I'm not saying it is easy. No. Not in the least. But I know He holds the future, even when I cannot see. God is still good. God is still God. No matter how much life can suck. Its yucky and gross and it certainly doesn't ask politely to ruin our fun happy party of a world sometimes. Life happens and we must hold on to Jesus. nothing else is for sure.

Last night  I noticed in the middle of the night that my head was hurting, felt like there were hundreds of needles poking all around it.  I reached back and pulled gently on it and yep, it came out. So today is the day we buzzed it off and be on the lookout for some cute wigs! Dahlia has gently been trying to pull it out for me and has two bowls set out to see which one of us can get more first. (: Everything is a game/contest for her. 

I have a couple new looks that I would like to share...I will post pics later today when I feel better.

Do any of you have some fun/cute wigs just lying around that I can borrow for a few months? Or some nice soft hats?  I have a few, but could use a few more. 

Thanks!

He loves to play cars and/or trains most of the time. It is fun to listen to him talk between the cars. He also loves to snuggle mommy and read books together. That has not changed. (: He is such a sweetie. Everyday when I take or pick up Dahlia from school, Valen always wants to come with me. He loves to see the "traffic boys" and all the school buses. We run errands together and I cannot believe how different Dahlia and Valen are. I can take him just about anywhere and I hardly hear a peep out of him. He is so content to just observe and be with me. I am so blessed!

His favorite tv sow at this moment is Busytown Mysteries. Dahlia and valen snggle on the couch together everytime they watch it. Dahlia and Valen also love brushing their teeth backwayds. It doesn't seem to be the best idea... but I am sure they will pick up a new idea soon. They both never stop thinking of new things and having a blast together! they are quite the pair!

I keep telling him to back off on the cuteness or I just might eat him when he isn't looking... It is tempting! (:

Valen does love to talk about Augustine. He likes to pretend that he is him sometimes. Dahlia will carry him around and put him in his crib and everything. They are hillarious together. I love them so much! I have the cutest kids! I have the most amzing kids and the best husband who helped me make them in the first place (: