First of all, from now on no one is allowed to say the word that rhymes with shemo(don't even say that either!) !! This will be my code word for it #@$%!! Seriously folks, I don't want to think about it, talk about it, smell about it or even imagine the doctor's face ever again! I am so tired of being nauseas and those things bring it on. gross. 

It has taken me a bit longer this time around to recover from #@$%. I have been so exhausted and nauseas until yesterday. Just in time for Christmas break! I refused my next #@$% appointment and am giving myself some vacation! I need a vacation and I don't care what the doctor says!

I went in for a mammogram yesterday hoping to see some progress. Unfortunately the doctor ordered the wrong test and the radiologist said he couldn't really see much. I need to have an ultrasound or an MRI to really see the details of what is going on in there. All I really wanted to know was if behind the chest wall improved. But honestly there is no way to know if that spot is cancerous (unless it disappears) all they know is that there is something there that looked suspicious. That is the only reason I agreed to do #@$% in the first place. I was all set for a mastectomy to get it all out of there, but with this little unknown spot sitting there we felt we had no other choice. I admit, I was extremely frustrated with my oncologist yesterday when I heard the radiologist tell me this test wasn't helping anything. I didn't quite feel like myself. I wanted to rush over to the doctors office and punch the doctor in the nose for ruining my life! There was lots of tears and frustration and fear. Took me a few hours to calm down, and obviously he isn't single-handedly ruining my life, but it sure felt that way in the moment. I know that all I can do is surrender this whole cancer thing to God and not try to hold too tightly to my own plans in life. It doesn't help anything or anyone to worry about the future! I keep telling myself that! He says he will walk with me through this all and I know he is, but some days it hurts real bad and I just want it to be over. 

I know God can and does heal. He is capable and able and my life is not in my own hands. He works in all things even if he chooses not to heal me.  Please pray for his will to be done. Please pray for peace of mind in the decision making. Please pray for a miracle. Pray that he gives me the strength and hope to learn from whatever is thrown at me. Pray for patience and peace! Pray for everything! (: