We enjoyed the memorial service for Augustine this past wednesday night with some family and friends. justin and i are both very glad that we decided to do this. it didnt happen till three weeks after his birth, but it actually was good timing for our family emotionally and physically. as you can see he was a very chubby and beautiful boy! I wasnt able to really look at his photos without crying until a few days ago... but now i keep them by my bed and say goodnight to him. i am enjoying this. he was and is still a blessing. here is a poem i wrote within about a week after his birth.

into my arms they placed you so i could love your life,
i will treasure every breath you breathed with me that night.

there was so much purpose in the short time you were allowed
you brought me joy, you brought me peace, in those moments somehow.

but my heart was slowly breaking to watch you while you slept,
i knew that time was ending and you would not wake up.

things were rather peaceful as we saw the setting sun,
fading into the night just as you had gone.

although the tears were dripping as we laid you down to sleep,
we love you and know the lord your soul will keep.

Augustine Ezra Paul Bodeutsch came into our world September 3rd 2009 @ 6:38pm. he weighed 8lbs 10oz!! He was absolutely beautiful and precious. He lived less than one hour, but it was a beautiful hour that we enjoyed very much. He came and went so peacefully, it was truly a blessing.

The nurses brought him straight to my chest and never took him away from us. Justin and I were able to hold him and love him for a few hours. it was hard, but the whole experience was so lovely. There was the most beautiful sunset out our 14th story hospital room window while we were saying goodbye to him, it made things that much more peaceful. After three hours of being with him, we thought it was time to let him go. I didn't know how that was possible but somehow it was easier than I thought it would be. Two nurses came in and weighed him and took his footprints and handprints and dressed him up and took pictures of him... it was a nice transition time. after all that it seemed easier to let go. He just wasn't there anymore, it was just a body, his soul was in heaven. We gave him one last kiss and sent him away.

It might sound crazy, but we really were blessed by how everything happened. we are thankful to have had any time with him at all and thankful he didn't have to suffer. He simply went to sleep in my arms. What more could I ask for. Justin and I appreciate very much all the thoughts and prayers and messages we have received, we feel very loved and couldn't do this without you all supporting us. We are doing well considering. Dahlia and Valen are doing well too. Valen has no idea what is going on (he still thinks he can feel the baby kicking) and Dahlia seems to not be upset by it, just a little confused. We are looking forward to loving the two we still have here with us and seeing Augustine again someday in heaven.

No doubt God was and is holding us through this all, there is no way I could have had any strength on my own. I know there will be many hard days ahead, but as long as I can walk it with the Lord I will be OK.

It looks like today will be the big day for us. We're going to head up to the hospital (St. Joe's in Tacoma) at 1PM today. The Dr will get things moving from there. We'll keep this blog updated as things progress. Thanks again for the prayers and support of everyone. You guys have carried us through this for sure.

have you heard that song "blessed be your name" ok there are probably many songs with that title, but this one in particular has a verse that is different. we were singing this song at church on sunday and i started feeling overwhelmed by how much God has blessed my life over the past five years and how i am so undeserving. he has continually met mine and justins needs at just the right times and carried us through stressful times bringing us closer together and more full of character and wisdom. so i was a little choked up while starting to sing this song because of everything God has done for us.... then at one part in the song it says " you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name". oh my gosh, i burst into tears. (i rarely cry) at the same time of feeling overwhlemed by Gods goodness i was overwhlemed by how true that statement was in our lives right now. it wasnt a depressing feeling or a "why me God" feeling, but just at this point in my life, i have so much to be thankful for how could i turn my back on God and be angry with him, after all he has done for us and me being so undeserving in the first place. questioning his reasons or timing just doesnt seem necessary, he is God and i am not. he can take away if he wants to. he sees the big picture and is more concerned about bringing glory to his name and working in me as well. what kind of a father would he be if he didnt allow some difficult times to shape us and make us more like him. its amazing how even if he takes away, we can still be thankful and have joy and trust him with our lives.

here is the entire song....

Blessed be your name

In the land that is plentiful

Where the streams of abundance flow

Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,

I turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's all as it should be

Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be your name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, Blessed be your name