Who do I live to impress? Is it you? Is it people I look up to or those strangers that I will never know?

I think this process really began right after Augustine died and everybody kept telling me how strong and amazing I was. I really was encouraged to hear how encouraging I was for many of you. But at the same time I found myself thinking that I was only going to disappoint everyone. This pushed me into a pursuit of truth and humility.

Life is not about making a name for myself or trying to come across a little better than I am. The fact is that we are all failures, we will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean we are worthless. Our worth doesn't come from what we do or what we try to prove. We simply are worth something because we are made in God's image and he loves us. I have been soaking that in for the past couple months and it has had a huge impact on my life! So much so that I decided to shave my head.

Honestly I had tossed this idea around years ago except mostly for shock effect or something unredeemable. But a month or so ago I was driving alone in our car and I started crying hard. Singing your heart out freely is so inspiring! I nearly rushed right home with the ambition to buzz it off. But I didn't. (I tend to get excited about things and then shortly after I will completely change my mind) So I waited. Waited about three weeks untill I thought I was going to burst! Called up my good friend Maddie and asked her to do the honors. It was the best feeling in the world! Freedom. Freedom from the voices in my head, freedom from who I used to be, freedom from guilt, shame and fear of man...I could go on. There are so many things I feel that this represents.

The truth is that I cannot control how others see me. People are always going to perceive me other than I intended. Somebody is not going to understand me. And you know what? I am finally OK with that. My purpose in this life is not to convince others how wonderful or talented or beautiful I think I am, but to act justly, love mercy and to walk humbly before our God. I think the more I live with pleasing God in mind, the more freedom I experience. My hairless head is a constant reminder that I will always be perceived wrong by someone and that I should just give up trying to make everyone understand. Why live all for naught?

And ya know, I feel more beautiful than ever. Hair is such a big part of feeling beautiful and feminine for many people, but somehow I am able to embrace who I truly am. Hair or not. I feel refreshed!!

Maybe you should try it?! (:

Some great quotes from A.W.Tozer's book The Pursuit of God.

"The world will never see me as God does and I have stopped caring."

"Artificiality is a curse that will drop away the moment we kneel at Jesus' feet and surrender ourselves to his meekness. Then we will not care what people think of us so long as God is pleased."