when i think back from when i was junior high age.... i am so excited how much ive changed.... and of course physically ive changed but i mean just growing and letting life shape you. when i was miserible in high school i really thought that that was how life was going to always be.... id always feel alone and empty and depressed and stupid.. but that wasnt true at all. if i knew that that wasnt going to last forever i might have been a little more optimistic about life in general. sometimes you dont see how much you are changing while you are changing... but a year later or so its so obvious how things in your life were shaping you and making you stronger!

when i decided to live for God at about age 21 i thought that all my problems were going to go away... but they didnt. i think that God wanted to see if i would believe in him in the hard times and not just the times where i was happy... that is too easy to love someone when things are going well... kinda like a marriage. God doesnt just make your life all peaches and cream, that wouldnt make sense if he did. trials and tough times is what makes you strong and builds character.

there were constant battles at every turn it seemed. my lonliness was still there but so was God. i had to trust him anyways, even when i still was hurting. but hanging in there these past few years has been so worth it... if i would have given up i would have been going backwards and then it would have taken longer to go forwards again.... i had to trust God even when it didnt make sense. and now it makes sense. so i guess all i am saying is that you dont necessarily see what is going on at the time it is happening ... so if i just remember that from now on it makes for a lot less resistance on my part with God.