this week has been hard. harder than the first week for sure. i really didnt know what to expect from myself but was a little surprised when i started feeling this down. its not like when i think of the situation i get depressed but more just an overall heaviness that i carry. not just a bad mood that is a choice, but a hovering dark cloud over my soul. i really didnt think this would affect me quite this way. i thought i was stronger than that, i thought that i could just carry on and not drag my troubles everywhere i go... but i guess it isnt that easy. normally when i am struggling with something or going through a little trial, i can leave my baggage at home and engage with people and life with joy and spunk... but not this time. it certainly feels like i have a huge lump in my throat at all times. not pleasant. it feels a bit shameful to even admit that i am feeling this way... where is my hope? where is my faith? is it wrong to feel like a human? does it mean i am not trusting in God? there are many many people in the bible and even close to our lifetime who have been amazing people, who felt overloaded and weak at times, who didnt feel like smiling every moment of every day. there have been many people who couldnt shake or ignore the pain they were experiencing and endured its harsh embrace. but still embraced God at the same time and held on to their faith. can i believe that even though i am feeling a heaviness that God is still holding my heart? can i really see through the bad and the ugly and trust that he wont let me go? can i be real enough with myself and everyone around me and not feel ashamed by what i feel? i believe so.. but its hard.