phew that was a close one! for a few days there we thought we were pregnant. I was almost sure that it wasn't possible, but the more i thought about it the more unsure i became. those were some stressful days, let me tell ya.

before we even had valen, justin and i were pretty sure that two children would be enough for us. i never really wanted kids till shortly before i was married so it isnt really that surprising that two is plenty right now. so at the thought of being pregnant i was a bit overwhelmed. i started worrying about everything that i could, for instance, how in the world are we going to afford this one? we dont have insurance for me right now at all... that would be expensive unless we gave birth at home, which i actually would be all for except for the fact that my last two births were bad back labor and i really dont want to go through that again so i would consider an epidural. so that means i would need to be in a hospital. anyways, other things like, how will i take care of my two small children when i am sick with morning sickness? how will i function once the new baby comes without getting sleep, how will we afford an suv? oh my and the list went on until my vision started to blur and i nearly went into hysteria. so i stopped. stopped thinking about all the frustrating things that could happen and prayed. and not so long after i started thinking of all the wonderful things about my life and how beautiful my children are and how special and perfect and how blessed i am and how owing 15,000 bucks for medical bills wouldnt be the END of the world and how situations that seem impossible are usually not as bad once you get into them... and no one ever died from having three kids in a row (well not just because of that fact alone)  so i started realizing that even though it wasnt what we wanted or could really see ourselves dealing with, i knew that everything was going to be ok and i just needed to stop worrying and enjoy life.

so for the next few days we were both so confused at what my body was doing. trying to prepare ourselves for possibly another baby but at the same time thinking of how we were going to spend our government stimulus moola (= and having a baby would mean no fun and games with that dough )= the cool thing was that for the first time since valen was born i felt peace about having another baby and didnt feel like my world was going to crumble. my whole perspective seemed different and i was very optimistic. those days made me really count my blessings and appreciate my life the way it was and not be so anxious for something else but to be content just being a mom right now and putting aside my selfish needs to do something else with my time ever since then i have had a lot more energy and been much more creative and purposeful with my time. i guess i had been just sort of in a slump since valen came. he has been so much work, not such an easy baby as we were hoping for. and since both dahlia and him are so little it makes my days long and exhausting... i have never really been content with sitting at home and just being a mom. i had tried to deal with that but i still couldnt be happy and not feel stuck. my heart was somehow longing for some other life and resisting what was reality. but somehow seeing the other life i could be having and how much time i would not have,  really helped me appreciate the freedom i do have and realize what a bump on a log i had been. i had also felt a bit distant from God, really since about the time i gave birth to dahlia, ive been really frustrated and in a dry season i guess.... and it was hard. not to mention just after giving birth can be hard on its own... so the past 2 years have been kind of empty and draining and lots of questioning. but i feel like God has shown his face once again to me and i can see clearly again. like my heart has been renewed and my joy has returned. i dont think it was really about being pregnant but God was able to use those few days to do something inside me and i am very grateful for that! so when we figured out that i was indeed NOT pregnant, there was a bit of rejoicing! even though God had prepared my heart for the opposite, i was very relieved at the same time. since this happened, justin and i both see things a bit differently and are excited to be where we are right now and not get discouraged by the mundane.