Life has been EXTREMELY complex lately. I will try to sum it up.
I have been seeing a counselor. I've never dealt with loss before like this and had really no idea what to expect from myself. I didn't even read the little booklet "Stages of Grief" I was passed several times. I just figured I would be OK. Since he only lived a short while I wondered how could I be so attached?   It is over and done and I can just move on right? Well turns out NO...I know big shocker. He was MY baby and he was inside me for 9 months AND he was given to me and then taken away without even asking... I had plenty of reasons for this to effect me and I just kept giving myself excuses and listening to what other people MIGHT be saying.
Looking back I see that a couple weeks after losing Augustine I was experiencing some intense ANXIETY. And I remember not wanting to blame my "weirdness" on losing my child so I just kept telling myself it wasn't him and that I must be just crazy BECAUSE. It only got worse from there. Basically, I lost my ability to cope with stress. Life before Augustine, I was able to maintain a somewhat level of sanity. Since the loss my tolerance has been EXTREMELY low. So what did I do? Kept allowing myself to push harder in life and let things pile on until I was smothered...and that led to my undoing.
I have been experiencing an overwhelming amount of guilt and fear. My counselor has helped me to start dealing with the loss in a healthy way and slowly begin gaining some ground with my anxiety. Keeping stress to a minimum right now.
Because of the way my mind has been messing with me, it has and does make it hard to want to be around people. Which is COMPLETELY opposite of who I truly am. I feel so out of my element that it is hard to feel comfortable in many situations. ESPECIALLY if they remind me of Augustine in any way. I cannot even sit in the same section at church like I used to. Took me a while to figure that one out!

Justin also has been WONDERFUL through all of this and loves me in spite of my serious flaws. He's always patient, kind, never rude, angry or bitter. always hopes, trusts, protects and PERSEVERES... He truly has shown me so much. AND if Justin can be those things for me, how much more can GOD. He Loves me and will never leave me. I finally believe that to be truth. He sees me in all my flaws and STILL calls me his child. WOW.