When I was much younger, probably fifteen years old, I remember hoping that something horrible would happen to me. I imagined some near death experience or act of God would be all it would take for me to finally grasp the true meaning of my life and start living in freedom. Then perhaps I could go on to become an amazing inspiration who would write books, go on OPRAH and finally afford pistachios. I also remember questioning why God wasn't allowing something drastic to change my perspective? He could if he really wanted to, so he must not have wanted to because he wasn't.

In fact he was allowing drastic things in my life that could have and should have shifted my paradigm. I just don't think I was very receptive. I was too occupied with how much I despised everything including myself and thought the world was the true problem. I was unable to accept the fact that I was worth something inside and failed to believing that I was beautiful. I allowed my loneliness and confusion to rule my heart and had no courage to fight for the truth. What I have come to realize is that I was living a tragedy all along. Why couldn't I have just been inspired by my own life?

Now having gone through an actual tragedy of my own I can say that I truly have been inspired by my own life. This season so far has awoken some sort of courage inside to face life with more faith and less fear than ever. This has been such a painful yet refining process and I know that I have only slightly begun to peel back the layers. I am giddy to procede.

Why was I convinced that a tragedy was the one thing that would make me new? Ironically it did take facing death for me to be able to tune into something meaningful? I don't regret that my life hasn't taken this turn until now, but I do hope that I have learned to be more receptive and seek to know who God is, not seek to know all the answers.

Who do I live to impress? Is it you? Is it people I look up to or those strangers that I will never know?

I think this process really began right after Augustine died and everybody kept telling me how strong and amazing I was. I really was encouraged to hear how encouraging I was for many of you. But at the same time I found myself thinking that I was only going to disappoint everyone. This pushed me into a pursuit of truth and humility.

Life is not about making a name for myself or trying to come across a little better than I am. The fact is that we are all failures, we will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean we are worthless. Our worth doesn't come from what we do or what we try to prove. We simply are worth something because we are made in God's image and he loves us. I have been soaking that in for the past couple months and it has had a huge impact on my life! So much so that I decided to shave my head.

Honestly I had tossed this idea around years ago except mostly for shock effect or something unredeemable. But a month or so ago I was driving alone in our car and I started crying hard. Singing your heart out freely is so inspiring! I nearly rushed right home with the ambition to buzz it off. But I didn't. (I tend to get excited about things and then shortly after I will completely change my mind) So I waited. Waited about three weeks untill I thought I was going to burst! Called up my good friend Maddie and asked her to do the honors. It was the best feeling in the world! Freedom. Freedom from the voices in my head, freedom from who I used to be, freedom from guilt, shame and fear of man...I could go on. There are so many things I feel that this represents.

The truth is that I cannot control how others see me. People are always going to perceive me other than I intended. Somebody is not going to understand me. And you know what? I am finally OK with that. My purpose in this life is not to convince others how wonderful or talented or beautiful I think I am, but to act justly, love mercy and to walk humbly before our God. I think the more I live with pleasing God in mind, the more freedom I experience. My hairless head is a constant reminder that I will always be perceived wrong by someone and that I should just give up trying to make everyone understand. Why live all for naught?

And ya know, I feel more beautiful than ever. Hair is such a big part of feeling beautiful and feminine for many people, but somehow I am able to embrace who I truly am. Hair or not. I feel refreshed!!

Maybe you should try it?! (:

Some great quotes from A.W.Tozer's book The Pursuit of God.

"The world will never see me as God does and I have stopped caring."

"Artificiality is a curse that will drop away the moment we kneel at Jesus' feet and surrender ourselves to his meekness. Then we will not care what people think of us so long as God is pleased."