i have a lot of things on my mind but i never get the time to write about them. in my journal i write thoughts here and there, but when i go back over them to make sense of them, it is too much work.

so basically i have been thinking a lot about christians and what that means. so many people call themselves christians but what they are really meaning by that is " i asked jesus into my heart when i was 5, but havent talked to him since" or " i think the bible is true, therefore i am safe" . im sorry to burst your bubble if you are one of theses types, but a christian is a "christ follower" dont you agree? for some reason "christian" gets too flippently used nowadays. i think if we started calling each other "Christ followers" it might make us think a little more about what we are claiming to be.

Jesus is who i strive to be like, Jesus is who i follow. if we dont have Jesus then we might as well call ourselves "oprah followers" and throw in the towel. everyone follows something, but who are we willing to die for? 

my heart longs and aches for more from life. no matter how much i try to squeeze out the goodness from myself, i come up dry. no matter how far i dig to find the purest joy worldliness can find i come up empty... no matter how hard i try to muster up the strength to be good all by myself, i fail. is there any reason for me to go on falling for myself. as if somehow i will think myself into godliness and be at the top.

i took a trip to vancouver with the kids while justin went on a camping bachelor party for his brother in astoria all weekend. my aunt was having a get together this weekend and i was planning on visiting my best friend shekinah and staying with my sister. 

my aunt invited all the ladies and girl cousins of our family together on saturday for a tea party (= it was nice to see everyone and i was able to strap valen down in his high chair for quite a bit of the time, but once he was down he was into everything. unless a house in absolutely baby proofed i gotta follow him around. then we headed out to see my friend shekinah who lives out close to my aunt. it was so nice to see her and her kids! i havent seen her youngest rosamond since we moved away in january. she is so adorable! she looks cute in the pictures but way cuter in person. she makes the cutest expressions and smiles!! i really really liked her! she is 8 months old.

  dahlia had so much fun with lillian and jonas just doing whatever. really cute to watch them play. one of the nights jonas wouldnt go to bed and neither would dahlia so we said, why fight it, just let them stay up and play. so they sat at the kids table and colored and talked in their little language, it was adorable. i wish i had a picture of it! i miss that we dont get to see them very much anymore, but at least we only live 1 1/2 hours away and are still able to visit here and there. we love you guys!!

why are so many christians afraid to follow jesus? is it because he will convict them and point at sin in their lives and they will have to change? i dont think we can separate "change" from christianity. that would be convenient though, we could still get to heaven and keep on being sinful and proud and unforgiving and angry .... but that isnt how it really is. doesnt being a christian mean that we follow jesus? that we want to be like him and love other people? doesnt it mean that we change from our sinful desires over to his? arent we striving for holiness and humbleness and love? why do we resist conviction and ignore correction from those around us?  

i hate the burden of being a slave to sin. it is so heavy and hurts my back. i cant stand wallowing in my own misery and being the same as i was 5 years ago, it just makes me sick. i just want to get rid of this sin and selfishness so that i can be used like he wants me to. the less of myself that is in me, the more room for him and the more of him in me, the more holiness that i can radiate.

i dont know who else i would pursue if i didnt follow Jesus. the world has failed time and again to be the hope that i need or the comfort for my weary soul. how can we push him aside and follow ourselves when we know that that leads us nowhere? are we afraid if we actually follow Jesus that people wont like us? that they will find us judgemental and hypocritical? well the world hated Jesus so they arent going to like us either , but it shouldnt be because we are judgemental or hateful, it should be simply because their own sin holds them back from the truth. 

if we arent growing closer to Jesus and changing on a regualar basis then we need to ask ourselves if we truly love God or just want to go to heaven.

a couple weekends ago we headed down to vancouver to visit my new niece and family and micah and mollys new baby too. originally we were planning on staying overnight but justin was asked to preach (check his blog for the link) at church on sunday and so we had to get back the night before.

i was not sure what to expect traveling with both dahlia and valen,  we havent done that since we moved here. the trip is only 1 1/2 hours, but it feels like an eternity when you have cranky babies! 

we left about 10:30 am and made it to chehalis before any shenanagins occured. valen had fallen asleep but dahlia was just hanging out. i looked back at one point when i heard her moaning a bit and she had four fingers in her mouth and some crimson goo was dripping out of her mouth.... ummm first thought was BLOOD..... is this some kind of horror dream or what? then what proceeded to follow was a pile of blueberries all over herself. i am just thankful that it was milk or bananas. it had only been a short while since she had eaten them so it was not that disgusting. anyways, we pulled over and then valen woke up not one bit happy. i cleaned dahlia all up and we headed once again to vancouver. we werent sure if we should keep going, what if she was sick or just would puke again from being in the car so long.... but we took the chance. the rest of the way was about an hour and both kids were crying and nothing would make them happy. i jumped into the back seat and tried to make peace, but it just made them more upset because then they wanted me to take them out of their seats.... so we just cranked up the tunes and that seemed to be the best idea yet. but i didnt care for the backseat either, i felt a bit nauseas myself.

my brother was having a bbq that day for some family and that was a lot of fun. the kids played in the sprinkler in the 100 degree weather. at first they didnt like the cold water, but then we couldnt get them out of it! it was really fun to see all the kids play together and also little kloee was born may 12th this year. she is so precious and adorable! slept the whole time and i snuggled her for a few minutes.

this photo is my family. jonas 2 1/2, lillian will be 6 in august and my dads mom is in the front next to them, i wont disclose her age (= then in the back right, jenny, my brothers wife and then my father Don and mother Cheryl. my sister jerika (28, one year younger than me) is next to me. i never really thought we looked alike but i can see the resemblance from all of us girls in the picture, especially my grandma and i. jerikas husband jason is not pictured and james (30, one year older than me) was taking the picture. 

before we left town we saw some friends who just had a baby, micah and molly stickler, but i dont have a picture of them. that was good to see them, but valen was bouncing off the walls so we cut it short. 

we headed back to olympia about 7 and thought maybe the kids would sleep since the day was long and they didnt sleep much in the car earlier. oh i forgot to mention that dahlia woke up at 1 am the night before we left and ended up sleeping with us, so none of us got much sleep. so we figured sleep would be easy.... so once again about 30 minutes into the drive, valen woke up and started screaming like crazy!  we pulled off a few miles ahead and took them into target for a walk. he was so sweaty and that might have been the problem. so we let them run around the store and it was very cute. when we put them in the car they didnt even complain. so the whole rest of the way home valen chewed on a book and dahlia had me read her her coloring book in between random singing she would do. 

when we got home our house was scorching so we had to air it out a bit before putting them to bed, so the kids got to stay up till 10:00 and then went to bed great. it was a long day but good to see everyone and get away. next time i will be sure not to have just fed dahlia right before we leave for a long drive, that should help. and maybe i will bring extra towels and barf bags too!