a couple weeks ago i started taking ZANTAC for my horrendous heartburn. i would get it all day long and especially at night while trying to sleep. nothing else seemed to work well enough so i decided to go with this drug. which is totally against how i am! i never take medications for anything, i hate them.. but i was desperate. soo within a couple of days i noticed shortness of breath but dismissed it assuming it was just pregnancy related.. but at the same time i thought it seemed a little more concerning than regular pregnancy breathing troubles. but i didnt change anything. then exactly two weeks after starting this medication i wake up early in the morning with severe chest pains and spitting up blood.... i was a little freaked out. i waited for several hours then when i wasnt feeling any better i called the nurse. who then told me to go to the ER and make sure it wasnt a blood clot in the lungs... yikes!

so we spent the day in the ER. after checking all my symptoms and such the doctor said he thought it might be a blood clot in the lungs... suggesting a test to be done which many times gives false posetives. if it was that then it would be a serious situation. so i responded with "couldnt it just be pneumonia"? oh yes he said, we could start with an x-ray if you want.... hmm interesting that i had to suggest what was wrong with me.... so after the x-ray sure enough that is what he concluded. so the nurse came in a drew just about all my blood i think (: which actually was the most comfortable blood draw i have ever had and i didnt even get queezy! and hooked me up to an IV of medication. I asked the doctors and even the nurses if they thought zantac had anything to do with my troubles... they said no. but i am not convinced. that is an awfully BIG coincidence if you ask me (:

ANYWAYS. also in the past week i have been having a lot of contractions. lasting several hours at a time and not going away for nothing. but then eventually late in the evening slowing down and then stopping. i cant help but think this is all related. i also have been a bit stressed the last two weeks... quite a few things on my mind (doctor bills, possbily moving into a new house, and a few other things) thankfully dahlia and valen are old enough to understand when we say "mommy is sick" and they leave me alone and play together so well! i even took a nap on the couch yesterday and they didnt bother me! they are too sweet!

in conclusion i have stopped taking ZANTAC just in case, and have just been sleeping upright in a lazyboy (which has been very comfortable actually) and taking tums as needed. dont worry i have been in touch with the nurse daily and she said if i have more than 6 contractions in an hour to take 600 mg ibuprofin and if i have to do that twice in one day to come and see them. oh and also to get lots of rest and take it easy... ok ok ! i swear i havent been doing too much! dont worry i havent been touching the dishes or the laundry or scrubbing the shower... ok just kidding, but i am taking it easy i promise!

i am working on mastering healthy dessert recipes. I like something sweet just about every day, but i dont really like sugar. i want something more substantial that wont make me feel like crap. even fruit or a bowl of cereal can satisfy my craving for something sweet...

I am very much a "trial and error" person. in many areas of my life actually. but especially cooking. if i dont think an ingredient needs to be in somewhere, i will simply delete it and pay the consequences of experimentation afterwards.... or sometimes reap delicious benefits. i am getting better at substituting honey for sugar and not making it into soup. oh and if you dont know about whole wheat pastry flour yet, you must try it! i bake entirely with it now and everything turns out great. regular whole wheat flour makes things very dense and most people are not interested in them, but the pastry flour makes it a bit lighter and easier to handle if you arent used to whole wheat. i guess i feel like if i can make something yummy that is healthy then why would i make it full of junk? and my kids love everything i make, even justin enjoys them! i hear no complaints! i am very thankful for that!

I found this great site and one of her recipes for lemon bars is awesome! she uses nuts and coconut oil instead of butter and white flour and the lemon curd is made with honey. i made them a few days ago (nearly burnt them) and after refrigerating them for 24 hours, they were fabulous! so much more substance to them than regular lemon bars, almost an energy snack. i highly recommend them!

our last appointment we were able to see some 3-D pictures of our baby. they were really special. one of them in particular turned out really great. it really made me ok with letting myself bond with him and be excited to see him and not afraid of letting go. he is special and more dear to my heart than i thought possible! and by the way he looks beautiful!

i met with a friend of a friend yesterday who had gone through the same thing years ago. she was such a neat lady and i really thought it was helpful to talk with her. hearing her story and how she dealt with it all was encouraging and good to talk about.

justin and i are doing well. its been over a month and we have been able to process it all well i think. dealing with many emotions, but feel somewhat stable right now. enjoying life and looking forward to the future.

what does it take to really wake myself up? and stop talking about things and actually do them? when will my heart and my hands actually be in sync and learn to listen? nothing is more depressing than living for myself. that simply isnt what I was made for. how can we be fulfilled by that? i dont want my purpose to be "happy" that is not my main concern. what i want to see is my life being used how God would want me to be. making a difference in others lives for him. i feel like there is so much inside me that i havent been using, so much potential that i see but dont tap into entriely. how sad is that? isnt that selfish? to keep for yourself what God has given you to share. i want to be persistent with purpose and not give in to the lazy lifestyle of contentment with mediocrity. it seems so much easier, but honestly i think it is harder. at least more empty.