i have written two blog entries in the past few days and both i accidentally deleted before submitting them.... very frustrating! so i am attempting again, this time in gmail where it saves everything every few seconds.

so since my last update, things have been better. thank you all so much for your prayers, God is listening and we are feeling it very much! life is even sweeter since we have our amazing special dahlia and valen keeping us busy! they are so sweet and fill us with so much joy. i did tell dahlia this week that something might be wrong with the baby inside. she asked lots of questions and is now praying for him everyday... along with lots of hugs and kisses to my belly. and valen also is into snuggling my belly now too, just randomly he will come lift up my shirt and smooch and hug gently, so precious.

we met with one of the doctors at the swedish medical center and felt really comfortable with them there. we are transfering our care from our awesome midwife to the seattle office because of our situation, but she may still be available to be at the birth. she is really awesome and we both really trust her and feel comfortable with her.

our next ultrasound is in two weeks and hopefully we will see some progress with his growth. i would like to clarify the proper term for his condition. he is not just a dwarf, he has short rib polydactyly. the lungs is the main concern with this syndrome. that is why it is a lethal condition. most babies with this problem cant live outside the womb because they cant breath on their own.

i hope summer comes soon to brighten our days even more, i am so done with this rain and cold!!!!!

this week has been hard. harder than the first week for sure. i really didnt know what to expect from myself but was a little surprised when i started feeling this down. its not like when i think of the situation i get depressed but more just an overall heaviness that i carry. not just a bad mood that is a choice, but a hovering dark cloud over my soul. i really didnt think this would affect me quite this way. i thought i was stronger than that, i thought that i could just carry on and not drag my troubles everywhere i go... but i guess it isnt that easy. normally when i am struggling with something or going through a little trial, i can leave my baggage at home and engage with people and life with joy and spunk... but not this time. it certainly feels like i have a huge lump in my throat at all times. not pleasant. it feels a bit shameful to even admit that i am feeling this way... where is my hope? where is my faith? is it wrong to feel like a human? does it mean i am not trusting in God? there are many many people in the bible and even close to our lifetime who have been amazing people, who felt overloaded and weak at times, who didnt feel like smiling every moment of every day. there have been many people who couldnt shake or ignore the pain they were experiencing and endured its harsh embrace. but still embraced God at the same time and held on to their faith. can i believe that even though i am feeling a heaviness that God is still holding my heart? can i really see through the bad and the ugly and trust that he wont let me go? can i be real enough with myself and everyone around me and not feel ashamed by what i feel? i believe so.. but its hard.

Justin was supposed to head down to california for work sunday afternoon but was not able to fly due to the fact he was puking... dahlia and valen both were a few days before that and were recovering by this point. so justin left tuesday morning and i came to meet him wednesday afternoon. dahlia was sick again tuesday night but i still went. it was hard to be away from the kids especially since dahlia wasnt doing very well.

we stayed with justins boss and family for two nights, which was lovely. they have four year old girl and a boy that is two weeks younger than valen. they were adorable! such great people! we had a little play date with one other wife from the crew and she was great too! thursday night we went to a employee dinner and i met most of the people in the company. they sang happy birthday to me and brought me some cake (:

normally this type of thing would be fine, but i was tired from missing out on sleep with puking kids and then the traveling i guess...and the emotions from the news about our baby... it seemed a little harder than normal for me to engage with others. friday afternoon i met a friend for lunch that i had known when i lived in california in 2003. it was really nice to catch up with her too! and then picked up justin from work. we went to our hotel and had a nice evening downtown. BUT in the middle of the night i felt very nauseas and couldnt sleep. i became sick, but i think it was something that i had eaten. so all day saturday i was worthless and could barely move... watched a lot of HGTV in the hotel (: by about 7pm i felt so much better and was able to enjoy a movie with justin and slept really well!! sunday we met up with some friends from yuma. they came to visit us and we played on the beach with their sweet kids. it was wonderful to see aaron and venessa! we havent seen them for about three years. venessa and justin were really good friends in college. they are like family!

we got home around 11pm and dahlia was sleeping on the couch. i came over to her and snuggled her and smooched her sweet face. she was even more beautiful than when i left her! she still wasnt feeling herself, so she slept with us. the next morning we saw valen and it was so great. they had no hard feelings that we left them for almost a week, they just went right back to their regular selves... i just cant get enough of them!