many tears are falling today

but it feels right, its a relief.

im not losing my hope

just feeling the pain that comes and goes with reality.

even in my weeping i feel strong

life will go on, my faith will carry me along.

some moments are overwhelmingly painful

while some are full of joy.

to love and to have lost is better than not loving at all,

so i am told.

but im afraid to love.

im afraid to grip this life

only to say goodbye.

but what a relief for this perfect child

to miss so much pain on this fallen world

what more could i hope for than for him to be free?

it seems selfish to keep him here with us.

what would he wish for?

what would his dreams be?

i dont think it is really an option not to trust God in this situation. there is nothing we can do to change this on our own. the only thing we can do is pray and hope for a miracle. and if God for some reason doesnt choose to heal our baby then we can still trust that he will be with us and carry us through it. good can come out of it somehow i know it. some has even already. i cant say that i wont get discouraged sometimes or that everyday is going to be the easiest, but when is that ever the case anyways. sure doubt and fear will creep in and cause me stress but i definitely feel that we will be able to carry on and still have give love and experience joy and share hope and find peace no matter what.

thank you for all your comments and emails, they have been so encouraging!

we got a call monday morning from my midwife. three days after our last ultrasound. she sounded urgent and said that she wanted to see justin and i as soon as possible. i started shaking and knew that something obviously was wrong. when she told me what it was i could barely breathe. i was sobbing and clinging to justin. from what they could see in the ultrasound our baby has short limbs and too many fingers and toes. which could mean many things. my heart was racing and i was experiencing so many emotions all at once. we scheduled an appointment at the swedish medical center to have a follow up ultrasound with a specialist as soon as they could see us.

wednesday at our follow up appointment we watched and waited as they looked at every possible part of the baby. from what i could tell things looked the same... but we werent sure if there were more things wrong until the specialist came in to review the results with us. she measured the lungs and heart several times again and justin and i both looked at each other and knew something else had to be wrong. she said that he has a rare condition called skeletal dysplasia polydacty. the survival rate is very low and even if they survive it wouldnt be for very long.

i had never seen justin cry before , it was very hard for us both to hear this.

we are doing fine at the moment but have no idea how life will look like from now on. knowing this and being pregnant for several more months is going to be challenging. of course we are hoping and praying for a miracle but also trying not to get too attatched. we know that whatever happens God will be our strength and bring us out of it stronger and wiser and better people because of it. it certainly isnt going to be easy, but life will go on.

we certainly want to engage in normal every day life things and friendships and keep moving forward. if you see us please dont avoid us or keep a despair face for our benefit. we are experiencing many emotions and one of them amazingly enough is joy. so being your normal selves would be best!

we thank God all the more for our perfect amazing beautiful boy and girl he has given us and couldnt ask for more. our life feels full but empty at the same time.

please keep us in your prayers, we need the support of everyone around us.

feel free to leave a comment or an email, but we understand if you dont know what to say.

my purpose is to pursue holiness and bring glory to God. whatever pain and sorrow i must go through to bring this about, it will be worth it.

both justin and i have thought this baby was going to be a boy from the beginning and i guess we were right!! we saw our little sweet baby today and it was wonderful. such a mover too! he wouldnt hold still the entire time we were taking pictures of him.

now we are going to start seriously figuring out some cool names. i had a great one picked out for a girl but not for a boy. boys tend to be a little harder i think. sorry dad, i dont think we are going to go with donald! (: