Jul 16, 2010
When I was much younger, probably fifteen years old, I remember hoping that something horrible would happen to me. I imagined some near death experience or act of God would be all it would take for me to finally grasp the true meaning of my life and start living in freedom. Then perhaps I could go on to become an amazing inspiration who would write books, go on OPRAH and finally afford pistachios. I also remember questioning why God wasn't allowing something drastic to change my perspective? He could if he really wanted to, so he must not have wanted to because he wasn't.
In fact he was allowing drastic things in my life that could have and should have shifted my paradigm. I just don't think I was very receptive. I was too occupied with how much I despised everything including myself and thought the world was the true problem. I was unable to accept the fact that I was worth something inside and failed to believing that I was beautiful. I allowed my loneliness and confusion to rule my heart and had no courage to fight for the truth. What I have come to realize is that I was living a tragedy all along. Why couldn't I have just been inspired by my own life?
Now having gone through an actual tragedy of my own I can say that I truly have been inspired by my own life. This season so far has awoken some sort of courage inside to face life with more faith and less fear than ever. This has been such a painful yet refining process and I know that I have only slightly begun to peel back the layers. I am giddy to procede.
Why was I convinced that a tragedy was the one thing that would make me new? Ironically it did take facing death for me to be able to tune into something meaningful? I don't regret that my life hasn't taken this turn until now, but I do hope that I have learned to be more receptive and seek to know who God is, not seek to know all the answers.
Jul 05, 2010
Who do I live to impress? Is it you? Is it people I look up to or those strangers that I will never know?
I think this process really began right after Augustine died and everybody kept telling me how strong and amazing I was. I really was encouraged to hear how encouraging I was for many of you. But at the same time I found myself thinking that I was only going to disappoint everyone. This pushed me into a pursuit of truth and humility.
Life is not about making a name for myself or trying to come across a little better than I am. The fact is that we are all failures, we will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean we are worthless. Our worth doesn't come from what we do or what we try to prove. We simply are worth something because we are made in God's image and he loves us. I have been soaking that in for the past couple months and it has had a huge impact on my life! So much so that I decided to shave my head.
Honestly I had tossed this idea around years ago except mostly for shock effect or something unredeemable. But a month or so ago I was driving alone in our car and I started crying hard. Singing your heart out freely is so inspiring! I nearly rushed right home with the ambition to buzz it off. But I didn't. (I tend to get excited about things and then shortly after I will completely change my mind) So I waited. Waited about three weeks untill I thought I was going to burst! Called up my good friend Maddie and asked her to do the honors. It was the best feeling in the world! Freedom. Freedom from the voices in my head, freedom from who I used to be, freedom from guilt, shame and fear of man...I could go on. There are so many things I feel that this represents.
The truth is that I cannot control how others see me. People are always going to perceive me other than I intended. Somebody is not going to understand me. And you know what? I am finally OK with that. My purpose in this life is not to convince others how wonderful or talented or beautiful I think I am, but to act justly, love mercy and to walk humbly before our God. I think the more I live with pleasing God in mind, the more freedom I experience. My hairless head is a constant reminder that I will always be perceived wrong by someone and that I should just give up trying to make everyone understand. Why live all for naught?
And ya know, I feel more beautiful than ever. Hair is such a big part of feeling beautiful and feminine for many people, but somehow I am able to embrace who I truly am. Hair or not. I feel refreshed!!
Maybe you should try it?! (:
Some great quotes from A.W.Tozer's book The Pursuit of God.
"The world will never see me as God does and I have stopped caring."
"Artificiality is a curse that will drop away the moment we kneel at Jesus' feet and surrender ourselves to his meekness. Then we will not care what people think of us so long as God is pleased."
Jun 08, 2010
I am so full of gratitude for what God has been doing in my life. I don't know where I would be right now if I wouldn't have gone to talk with a counselor. He hasn't FIXED me, but has helped me to sort everything out. Making boundaries for myself and accepting the place I am at this point and not getting discouraged about it. The past week or so has felt so freeing and I have more hope than ever. I cannot really explain exactly what I am going through, but no matter what, God has not let go and has given me joy through it all. I am overwhelmed by the grace he has shown me. I feel like I am a child learning so many things all at once. so weird!
Thank you for all your continued prayers!
I am also enjoying my husband and children more than ever and that has been more than delightful.
There is a time for everything under the sun...
this is my time of healing.
May 24, 2010
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall NOT be in WANT.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he LEADS me beside quiet waters,
3 he RESTORES my soul.
He GUIDES me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the VALLEY of the shadow of death, [a]
I will FEAR NO evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they COMFORT me.
PSALM 139:8
if I make my bed in the DEPTHS, you are there.
9 If I RISE on the wings of the dawn,
if I SETTLE on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will GUIDE me,
your right hand will HOLD me fast.
May 01, 2010
Life has been EXTREMELY complex lately. I will try to sum it up.
I have been seeing a counselor. I've never dealt with loss before like this and had really no idea what to expect from myself. I didn't even read the little booklet "Stages of Grief" I was passed several times. I just figured I would be OK. Since he only lived a short while I wondered how could I be so attached? It is over and done and I can just move on right? Well turns out NO...I know big shocker. He was MY baby and he was inside me for 9 months AND he was given to me and then taken away without even asking... I had plenty of reasons for this to effect me and I just kept giving myself excuses and listening to what other people MIGHT be saying.
Looking back I see that a couple weeks after losing Augustine I was experiencing some intense ANXIETY. And I remember not wanting to blame my "weirdness" on losing my child so I just kept telling myself it wasn't him and that I must be just crazy BECAUSE. It only got worse from there. Basically, I lost my ability to cope with stress. Life before Augustine, I was able to maintain a somewhat level of sanity. Since the loss my tolerance has been EXTREMELY low. So what did I do? Kept allowing myself to push harder in life and let things pile on until I was smothered...and that led to my undoing.
I have been experiencing an overwhelming amount of guilt and fear. My counselor has helped me to start dealing with the loss in a healthy way and slowly begin gaining some ground with my anxiety. Keeping stress to a minimum right now.
Because of the way my mind has been messing with me, it has and does make it hard to want to be around people. Which is COMPLETELY opposite of who I truly am. I feel so out of my element that it is hard to feel comfortable in many situations. ESPECIALLY if they remind me of Augustine in any way. I cannot even sit in the same section at church like I used to. Took me a while to figure that one out!
Justin also has been WONDERFUL through all of this and loves me in spite of my serious flaws. He's always patient, kind, never rude, angry or bitter. always hopes, trusts, protects and PERSEVERES... He truly has shown me so much. AND if Justin can be those things for me, how much more can GOD. He Loves me and will never leave me. I finally believe that to be truth. He sees me in all my flaws and STILL calls me his child. WOW.
